deleterius: Clipart spork, metallic. (Agent Dawn McKenna)
[personal profile] deleterius
Story Or Series Title: tElaine’s Prophecy
Fandom: You know, that place with a few Hobbits and evil rings...
Culprit Author's Name: Alonia187
Full Name (plus titles if any): Elaine Legolas Greenleaf, Queen of Mirkwood, Princess of “Middle-Earth”
Full Species(es): Puella moderna prophesida, if Mhari’s Mary Sue Classifications are of any indication.

Hair Color (include adjectives): Author does not mention it...for now.
Eye Color (include adjectives): See hair color
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Nothing noted...for now.
Special Possessions (if any): A (possible Deus ex Machina) necklace of Mary Sue-ness and a sapphire “mere elvish ring”.
Annoying Origin: The mind of a Suethor just about to go to sleep.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Legolas’s twoo wuv, other connections still not stated.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to change into Mulier bitchia at the speed of words.
Other Annoying Traits: Being a (self-proclaimed) Princess of “Middle-Earth”.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Okay then, so for this sporkage, I’m introducing Eledhwen Elerossiel (my PPC Agent, who I shall shamelessly masquerade as for the duration of this spork) and her science teacher buddy Lori (“Hello everyone! I’m Lori and I’m actually really really young.” “Oh, give me a break, Lori. You’re not fooling anyone.” *sob*)

Alrighties...on with the show sporkage.

Author's Note: Whoopity doo, I love these. *gag*

This just came to me when I was just about to go to sleep, last night. Which explains much about the crappiness of the ‘fic. I have not thought Big surprise. on the status of Elaine, Elaine? I knew an Elaine. Is this a story about her? but I am speaking with my best friend who knows Lord of the Rings a bit better If she is a true scholar of Tolkien’s work, she could have stopped this atrocity from even being written! and in depth as deep as a kiddy pool, I’m sure. more then It’s ‘than’, stupid. Eledhwen, be nice! I. It’s “me”. And oh, we’re looking at some real good fanfic. *eyeroll* So enjoy Let me get the Bleeprin first. Then I’ll CONSIDER enjoying it. and no the little girl is not Elaine, the uber-annoying Mary Sue, she is just the future hire of Elaine. Wait, future hire? How is that possible? Is the little girl a future hired person? Oh, that poor little girl! Read and Review, thank you! You’re not welcome. Eledhwen, I’ll say it again—be NICE. This is deleterius, Lori. We’re not supposed to be NICE.

Disclaimer: I do not own the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, because if you did, it would probably have been rejected by publishers. and I do not make any money from these writings. It would be absolutely terrible if you did.

Chapter 1:
She ran, see her run. Run, person, run. I see a person run. Bravo, Eledhwen. hot tears what, no cold ones? trickling down her youthful face. Hey look, it’s me! Lori, stop being so delusional. Eledhwen! *sob* That’s not nice! The voices of her angry father’s words Oh no, not another Abused!Sue! echoed around in her head. She’s hearing things! We’ve lost her to the Dark Side! Running to her most sacred place, the cupboard under the stairs. Lori, this isn’t Harry Potter. Ellie At least I have a reason now to tell people to stop calling ME Ellie. did not stop nor did she realize that her father was running just behind her. Oh, no! If the poor girl’s being abused…Lori, stop with the whole “nice and benevolvent teacher” act!

Down a corridor, opening an old crafted wooden door, of course doors are crafted. How else are they made? *eyeroll* Ellie pushed inside Let’s have some finer taste in word choice here! That did not sound innocent. Eledhwen! For Pete’s sake, what do they make you read at the PPC these days? and latched it shut. Her feet hurriedly taking the old spiral Lori, please do not make any comments regarding spirals. and forgotten stone steps, she was close to the hidden library How could they hide the library! They’re hiding vast amounts of knowledge! Lori, please. Stop acting like a kind and benevolvent teacher. You’re making me look bad. of her people and possibly of very ancient times. *insert obligatory joke here about Lori being ancient. Lori looks heartbroken, as per usual whenever people make cracks about her age within her hearing.*

After she closed the door, shutting out the bogeyman…or the Hand. I’m scared of the Hand. And leaving scissors lying around. Er, that’s nice to know…she locked it with the only key that the door had from, awkward…the door had from what? locking from the inside. Even more awkward. And ya don’t need to say that she locked it twice in the same sentence! Ellie thrown one of the candle stick holders against the wall. Wrong verb. You do not use “thrown” if “threw” sounds a lot more appropriate. When her anger subsided, her tears then quickly washed over her. Oh, the poor little girl…all depressed and crying...Lori! Come back! The Sue’s offspring is drawing you in! She leaned against the wall as she then slid down it, wait, what? She leaned against the wall as she then slid down it? Awkward must be the Suethor’s middle name. hugging herself crying. Did the poor girl suddenly undergo some sort of complete organism mitosis? How else can she hug herself crying?

How she found her sacred library Yes. Books are Sacred. Canon is Sacred. Respect the Canon. Worship the Canon. Eledhwen, are you on the right medications? was on accident, she had hid; like she was doing now, from her parents. That sounded like a run-on sentence. Or just an overuse of punctuation. How come poor little Ellie had to hide from her parents? Lori, I’m seriously wondering if you’re all right. You shouldn’t be acting sympathetic towards the Sue’s progeny. The maternal instinct is in my nature, Eledhwen. She always hated the fact that they never got along and constantly arguing with one another. *Lori inserts a comment about Family Life Education and healthy relationships. Eledhwen tunes out.*

It seemed like it was a long day, doesn’t it always. Agreed. Ellie Oy. Improper use of commas again! *eats comma* was soon up on her feet, searching for any story to get her mind away from the present time. Don’t we always. Well, according to Amanda Price, it is human nature to want to escape. Puh-lease, Lori. Don’t quote Lost in Austen to me. That Amanda bint is SUCH a Mary Sue. Books after books, pages and after pages, she didn’t find anything to her liking. Where have all the transitional words gone? To la-la-land…to la-la-land! *shifty eyes* Lori, sometimes you really creep me out. She was about to give up when her eyes glanced over Evidently awkwardness is rampant in this story. a faded, worn and stained green I love green! We really needed to know that, thank you. thick leather book. Green thick leather book? Where have all the commas gone? And Lori, don’t say la-la-land! They call her a seventh grade science teacher…I think it’s made her insane…

The title was so worn that the only two golden letters left were : A P. As in Advanced Placement? Don’t be daft, Lori. It’s evidently something more Sueish than Advanced Placement courses. Carefully as she could, Ellie did her best to lift the old book into her tiny hands, it only moved to the edge of the table before it halted. I belive that comma should have been a SEMICOLON! Turning the book cover open, Ellie then found the ink to be bright, thick and not as worn as the cover. Dude, where’s my comma? I think we need to call in the Department of Technical Errors now! Drawing out of her world and into that of the story teller’s, she began to read the introduction. Yey…here comes the Sue. *mock fanfare*

“To my future heirs: I love you, but you drive me nuts.

If you stumble across this story, you will regret it until the end of your days. then you are in one hell of an experience. I’m sure it’s “you are in for one hell of an experience”. The tale that I am about to share, relive and explore with you is my own. Oh, yey. Like we care, bitch. Eledhwen! Language! You will learn about my two worlds: Bleeprin-land and Urple-kingdom! one where I lived for most of my young life *Insert another comment about age that sends Lori into tears again* and the other where I barely remember at all and needed my help and guidance. That…did not make sense. You barely remember at all and needed your help and guidance? WTF for sure.

Have you ever heard of the Great Ring Wars? It’s the War of the Ring, genius. Have you heard of a hobbit? Oh, the kuduk? They eat too much. That’s because they have a high metabolism, Eledhwen. I knew that, Lori. I do pay attention to those Canon Enrichment Courses at OFUM. Or possibly an Elf? Like me? *grin* *Lori stares at Eledhwen in jealousy* If you answer is no to all or some, then it won’t be that surprising further along my story… my journey to Middle-Earth. As opposed to Middle-earth. Or even Middle Earth. Or…we get the point, Eledhwen.

I had heard and read of Middle-Earth from a brilliant author, J. R. R. Tolkien. Whose books I recommend to Lori, but nooooo…she likes harlequin romance novels...Hey! When I found out that his tale would soon become real, wait…lost me there somewhere…did she know she would become a P. moderna prophesida? I just about fainted. How could an author’s world that is pure fictional It should be “pure fiction”, stupid. as it can be become That…did not make sense, either. reality? Yes, how could it? On either side of these worlds, they would suggest more then That should have been “than”! anything else in their highest opinion, would say that you were just dreaming it or going utterly insane. That sentence did not make sense. In fact coherency is at minimal in this story. Someone needs to take more Language Arts classes. Eledhwen… What, Lori? *looks innocent* Two words: Be. Nice.

A hobbit is a very short person, That’s insulting! Hobbits have feelings, you know! very hearty or fool hearty It’s “foolhardy”, O Brilliant Mind. folks. Where did the conjunction “and” go? 3’6 is their average height Gosh, I wonder which chromosomes stunt their growth? but as I would soon find out, they tend to grow on you. Just like every other student I ever had. Even as I write this small introduction, I know for as long as I may live, which is hopefully very short, Eledhwen! Don’t be like that! Just because you’re an Elf…Frodo Sam, Merry and Pippin will always be seeking revenge for my defamation of their characters forever remain my best and loyal friends. Aww, how sweet! Not.

Now when it comes to one person that I hold so dear, wait, let me guess…Prince Legolas of Mirkwood, right? is the Prince of Mirkwood, Pince Legolas Greenleaf. Thranduillion, smart ass! We have an extra comma, too. Cool. *eats comma* At first my future hires, There’s that hire thing again. Now we know where that extra comma ran away from, too! we were barely friends, same here…you’ve never even met him, Lori. Exactly. *is smug* close to being enemies Ooh, that has got to hurt. Alienating an extremely hot Elf played by Orlando Bloom? This is why I cover communication skills in my cirriculum! until we both found out about who I truly was…a Mary Sue. (Have you not figured out who I truly am? Yes. You’re a Mary Sue. No? Then I guess you will just have to continue on to read this tale of mine. Unfortunately so, Mary Sue.)

I can not tell you now what happens to the fellowship or about me with Legolas (Prince Leggy) *snigger*Honestly! Calling an Elf who’s at least thousands of years your senior “Leggy”? That is uncalled for and utterly disrespectful! No wonder you two were enemies…Leggy…that is just…*giggle*. Read this and how I landed in a world of an author’s pure imagination and fictional world. Once again, that sentence had minimal coherency.

Queen of Mirkwood, NO [censored] WAY! HOW IS THAT [expletive] POSSIBLE?!?! If you’re Legolas’s [profanity deleted] wife, you can’t be the [BEEEEEEEEP!] Queen of Mirkwood! *is in shock* Eledhwen! Shall I wash you mouth out with soap? That, Lori, is old school and decaying in its grave.

Princess of Middle-Earth, My above comment still stands. She can’t be the [expletive] princess of Middle-earth. Middle-earth has no sole ruler.

Elaine Greenleaf. Greenleaf is not a surname! It is a title. Not to mention that it is the translation of Legolas’s name, Elaine Legolas.
Ellie was utterly, profoundly shocked, stunned and unbelievably blank on any thoughts, emotions and her surroundings. That sentence just made my inner writing freak curl up into the fetal position and suck its thumb. I don’t know how to express my frustration at not being able to decode it because of both the lack of and excessive use of punctuation. (And that statement was contradictory, thank you.) This account of Elaine was not lost like her mother and grandmother told to her daily. That also made no sense to me. Word choice does matter, you know. Her young heart pounded with excitement of reading Elaine Yes, how do you read Elaine? and how her prophecy came true. Wait, so Mary Sue is a prophet? Ellie turned the pages and was stopped by a mere elvish ring. Ooh, a “mere” elvish ring. More like a mysterious important elvish ring that will be of utmost importance to the (lack of) plot.

Reading Elaine’s hand writing, that should have been one word. Ellie held her breathe. It’s BREATH, smart one.

To my future heir, You are not to follow my footsteps as a disgraceful and skanky Mary Sue. In fact, I encourage you to become a seventh grade science teacher. Hey!

If this ring is left behind, that means that I have committed suicide because frankly, my life sucks. then you will know that I have been killed by the PPC passed into the undying lands. This ring is for you. How nice! Lori…*facepalm*


Ellie took the sapphire ring ooh, pretty! Lori, you’re really embarrassing me. and placed it in her pocket while she turned the page to the actual first chapter. Wow…so this isn’t the first chapter! How much more of this rabble must I face? *in an exasperated tone* Eledhwen…

“When I came to, the first object that I saw was an arrow. Sounds like what will happen if I go to Middle-earth. Lori! Are you going over to the dark side? No, it’s just that my author has big plans for me. And you had to go and tell the world about it, right? Very pointed and sharp. Look, a fragment! Be careful, it’s very sharp. Welcome to a strange place where a science teacher and a Mary Sue Assassin laugh at the self-proclaimed Princess of Middle-Earth.” Was what Ellie read and getting into the story. Yeah, that’s right. Finish the chapter with another incoherent sentence.

Author's Note: Oh, look! Another one! Yey.

I would like to thank eiluj person-whose-name-is-unpronouncable for pointing out my errors Good eiluj! and I am sorry. Not sorry enough to take the story down? I don't notice these things that well, that explains so much! *eyeroll* so review what you see is wrong That still does not make sense. and I WILL correct them. How about going to a few Language Arts classes? Feed back PLEASE. Does this spork count?

Alonia187. Another fragment. This author needs grammar lessons. Eledhwen, I really mean it—BE NICE!

Eledhwen’s Ending Comments: Okay. So…this story isn’t as bad as say, ”My Immortal”, but the grammar errors and incoherency really drives me nuts. Not to mention that anyone who calls themselves “Princess of Middle-earth” immediately gets on my bad side.

Lori’s Ending Comments: I really don’t know what to say…it hasn’t gotten that bad yet, but at least the good (or bad, if you get what I mean) stuff will be coming in later. And Eledhwen really needs to be nicer to people.
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