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Story Or Series Title: tEmerald Book II: Ivorwen, second in the Emerald trilogy.
Fandom: Lord of the Family Jewels Rings
Culprit Author's Name: ShilohPR
Full Name (plus titles if any): Princess Emerald of Arathilien, aka Generic UnCanon Fantasy Land
Full Species(es): Sidhia tolkienii uncanonicus fantasylandia, or, Tolkien Elf!Sue and Creator of Geographical Aberrations!Sue (DOGA, take note)

Hair Color (include adjectives): Red hair...RED HAIR! What is it with red hair and Elvish Mary Sues?
Eye Color (include adjectives): Green. See above statement.
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Freckles. Now she’s a frikkin’ Irish lass with Elf ears. (Sorry to all Irish lasses though…Emerald really does give you a bad name.)
Special Possessions (if any): A…sword, is it? And a yellow flower.
Annoying Origin: From the loins of Original Character King Orwig came one half of the chromosomes, from the ovaries of OC Queen Lilwen came the other half. Sperm meets egg, and lo! We shall have a Sue in nine months.
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Aparently “Vána and Romy” got her to get into a boat. OC Nurse Svea suspects “Romy” is Oromë. Which means the Valar took Little Miss Mary (Sue) on a boat ride.
Annoying Special Abilities: The ability to create Geographical Aberrations such as “Arathilien” and “Lond Daer”. Burn Arathilien and Lond Daer with much hate, please.
Also responsible for the creation of Minis Tirith, the mini-City and general hangout for mini-Balrogs and other minis.
Other Annoying Traits: Being more annoying than my Health teacher when she covered Family Life Education.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

AN: This story is BOOK TWO GAAAAH, I have to read book one, too? in a trilogy, which means we’ll have to look forwards to more pointless tripe like this, the first book being Emerald As opposed to Sapphire and Ruby. (you can find it under my author profile More sporkage for me. Yeyz.). Please read that (and review!! Nope, nothin’ doin’ on the positive side. *eats extra exclamation point*) that story before reading this. And guess why I hate series? Also, as always, PLEASE review, Here, how ‘bout a nice urple flame instead? even if it's just to say you want to see me. Like I want to. It's rather disheartening Good. if I don't think anyone is reading, and when I don't get reviews, I tend to go a long time before updating again. Everyone, DON’T REVIEW, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CANON! Thanks and enjoy! Okay, just let me go visit Mr. Barf Bag first.

Emerald Book II: Ivorwen Sounds like some…not Elvish name for an elleth
Chapter One What, there’s more to come? *shakes fist*

Svea draped herself across the sand, spreading her arms and legs as far from her body as she could manage. The result hurt her very much. The sun was still close to directly overhead, casting down a warmth that Svea’s skin soaked up with zeal. Her skin is like a sponge…*cringe* It wasn’t often she was given even an hour alone. She loved the Princess Emerald, don’t we all…*eyeroll*, cherished every freckle on the little imp’s dimpled cheeks. Unecessary need for a comma back there…you could have just put “and”. But truly, the royal daughter had gone from being the world’s sweetest, happiest baby, like one of those virtual baby simulators, right? to the most mischievous, over-inquisitive child. Again. Unecessary Comma Use occurred again back there. One couldn’t turn their back on her for a moment or she would be balancing on top of a bookcase or leaning out a window or edging closer and closer to the fire. That is one suicidal baby. Just recently turned three, she had left her “no” stage (well, somewhat) for her “why” stage. Really? I didn’t know there were such stages. I started out with “why”, according to my parents. Everything was “Why? Why? Why?” Where’s the period? And she would make a nice scientist…had she not been a god-awful bratty Sue princess of Geographical Aberrations. It was likely to drive anyone in the kingdom mad. And you think we’re SANE? Especially now? Even the ever-patient King Orwig, who doted on his only daughter Oh no, not the T3h Speshul Onlee Dauter thing again! with a tenderness few knew he possessed Really? Must be one demanding king., could lately only be in her presence for so long before answering huffily, wow…the king huffs like a four-year-old who doesn’t get his way!, “Because I said so! That’s a sure sign of fatherly maturity there.” and storming off.

But for the afternoon, Queen Lilwen had taken Emerald Those two are not Elvish names! with her to Lond Daer, Geographical Aberration the second, to see the gardens. They were beautiful at this time of year, a never-ending maze of pinks and oranges and buttercup yellows, as opposed to mustard yellows. Still, instead of tagging along, Svea had relished the thought of an afternoon on her own, away from the god-awful bratty Sue, basking in the warm glow of the sun on the beach. Wait, there’s a beach, too? Bring in the flames, DOGA!

She remembered the first time she had seen the seashore, that first venture from the glowing woods of Lothlorien, so she’s a Silvan Elf with a not so Silvan name. Nice. She had been with several of her closest maidenfriends is this the new way to say “girlfriends” without going all modern slang-happy? and off they had snuck early one morning to gallivant around the countryside without a chaperone. I don’t think Elves need chaperoning. *snips next paragraph* Not much concerns in the next; it’s all just a description of the seaside…wait, Elves go gallivinating around Lothlorien for a few days and come to the seaside? That’s compressing distances for ya.

Svealora nice not-Elvish name had glanced at the water, at the clouds, at the fishermen and their tiny village, and a tugging at her mind told her in that very moment she would never set foot in Lothlorien again. And when a thing tugged at her mind, it was never wrong. Rrrrrriiiiggghhhtttt.

“Every time I see you, it as though you have become more and more like a Suvian Bit Character lost more and more of your Elvish blood, well, that also applies,” a voice mused close at hand. Svea’s eyes darted open at the impossibly familiar voice, and her smile outshone the sun as she slowly pulled herself to her feet. “Did you not hear me approaching? I don’t exactly walk silently nowadays . . .”

“No, I should think you don’t! How…nice? Valar keep you, what are you doing here? And in your condition!”

Ivorwen smiled and took Svea’s hands in her own, explaining, “Well I am not in such a bad state. I suppose this has been more of an Elvish pregnancy than a man pregnancy wait…did that mean mpreg? ; we were curious which it would be, weren’t we? But I feel fine.” Svea dropped her hands to tenderly touch the bulge in Ivorwen’s dress. Oy. That sounded…awkward. For a moment, her brain skipped back to that beach, those fishermen, her own pregnancy wait, what? *groan* That’s the problem with series—you don’t see what has happened before in the sequel. . . but Ivorwen was here! NO  WAY. *eyeroll*

“But you didn’t answer my question. What are you doing here? I would expect that husband of yours to have you holed up—“ Oy, pig-headed chauvinistic ideals!

“Perhaps if it were a son, I would be so,” Ivorwen laughed. “You know how men are with their heirs. Yeah…sexist bastards. Care about the guy, forget about the girl. But no, this is a girl.”

“You are sure of it?”

“As sure as you were of me.” Which was based more on probability.

“Well then the Valar help you escape this story. You were an awful child.” No doubt about it.

“I wasn’t!” Ivorwen laughed. Carefully she lowered herself to the sand and didn’t complain when Svea unlaced her boots so that she could her toes That did not make sense. through the warm grains. I thought they were on a beach, not in some wheat field!

“No, not compared to the little princess Mary Sue brat I care for now, you were an angel. But first, for how long are you here?”

“Not long. I’m very close, you know, but when I learned Dirhael That guy sounds familiar. meant to pay a visit here to King Orwig I insisted I come.”

“Ah, he still hasn’t learned to tell you no, then?”

Ivorwen laughed, “Of course not! Now come, tell me of this little princess Mary Sue brat while I warm myself. I feel as though I have been frozen these past few years . . .” Snip section on Bit Character Ivorwen.

When, hours later, Svea took her daughter’s arm and led her back up the shore, they found the palace, naw more like this reader’s mind, in a state of madness. The royal sons had gone off hunting in the afternoon but it seemed a warg had gotten the better of little Hergest and Tegryn, Yey, more Original Characters. and in saving them Beven had been equally injured. The queen had returned from an already upsetting afternoon in which she almost misplaced dear Mary Sue Princess Emerald only to find three of her sons injured and her other two fighting loudly over whose fault it was and her husband nowhere to be found, having locked himself up with Dirhael and several other men to basically drink and play cards. Not a great daddy or king then, are we?

“Milady,” Svea began, rushing up to the Queen lest she rip out her shiny black locks from the root.

Queen Lilwen sighed, “Svea! Emerald, take her. Awkward wording…Don’t let her out of your sight! And these . . . do something with these—put them in my room. I must see to my sons . . .” and off she ran in a flurry of black curls and blue skirts. Rrrrright.

“Why is Mama sad?” She had to give birth to you, Sue. Emerald asked as soon as Lilwen had vanished from sight. Enter the Sue! *corny mock fanfare* Without even waiting for an answer, however, she continued, “Why are your cheeks red, Svea? Why are you so big, lady?” So…polite.

“I am going to have a baby,” Ivorwen replied with a tender smile, looking down in the curious green eyes. “A little one, just like you.” Wait, you actually want to give birth to a Mary Sue?

“Just like me? Can I play with her?” So…sensitive.

“Come, Emerald, you can play with both of us now. Spoiled brat. Maybe when her baby is older, you will play with her. But first, let’s get you cleaned up. Why are you all wet?” Because Svea’s arms were full with the sword and book that Queen Lilwen had thrust into them, Emerald took Ivorwen’s hand, too young and exuberant to feel any sense of unfamiliarity.

“You are very pretty,” Emerald told her, staring at her face as they walked. Occasionally, she tripped on slightly raised stones, due to her not watching where she stepped. Emerald was an adored princess, someone please introduce her to hatred and pain! though, and had learned that even if she fell, she would be so praised and loved on that it really was quite worth it. Really spoiled brat.

Ivorwen laughed, “Thank you, Princess. You’re very beautiful yourself. Don’t they all say that?” To Svea, she commented, “She’s quite chatty, isn’t she?” Was that supposed to be a character flaw? Cos it’s very weak if it is.

“Oh, this is her being shy, even. There doesn’t have to be a certain Elf played by Orlando Bloom in a blonde wig anyone in the room. When you put her down to sleep, she just lays in the dark, talking and singing to herself for the longest time. She really is a funny child.” But…I do that, too! And last I checked, I’m no Mary Sue.

“I was in a boat.” Ooh, fascination. *eyeroll*

Snip paragraph.

“I was in a boat!” Emerald suddenly shrieked. Spotlight stealing Sue. Svea and Ivorwen both  startled look, extra spacing! and Ivorwen laughed that such a loud noise should come from such a little girl.

Svea scolded, “Well all right, but there’s no need to yell about it.” She grabbed a towel from the shelf and pulled Emerald out, then wrapped her up tightly and carried her into the bedroom. Ivorwen followed, nodding at the maids as they came to empty the tub. Emerald repeated again and again that she had been in a boat Little brat. as Svea dressed her in a pale blue playdress and brushed the tangles from her red mane. Whoa…she has a red mane? Like…lion’s mane? That’s…not a new one.

Finally, with a very dramatic sigh, Emerald asked, “Why was Emmy in a boat?” How are they supposed to know? Forgetful Sue.

“Mother, she’s about the funniest Mary Sue brat child I ever saw!” Ivorwen laughed hysterically. Taking the hint, she asked the little girl, “Why was Emmy in a boat?”

“They gave me a poisoned flower. It was yellow, so I think it’s aconite,” Emerald answered. “Mama, um, forgot it.”

“Who gave you a flower?” Svea asked, clearly seeing nothing much in the story. They had, after all, gone to Lond Daer the UnCanon to see the gardens, and at this time of year probably had run in to other people. The least someone would have done was pick a yellow flower as a present for the princess. Let me say it once again—spoiled brat.

“Vána and Romy. It was yellow.”

“That was very nice of Vána and—Emerald! Who gave you the flower?” Nice going. Now she’s going to go all berserk on you for seeming to have short term memory loss.

Emerald gave a disgruntled huff, not appreciating her nurse’s inability to listen. Pampered little Princess Sue…Secretly, she blamed this new lady who clearly stole some of the attention away from her. Must I say it again? What a spoiled brat! “Vána and Romy!”

Ivorwen’s eyes widened as she pressed to Svea, “She couldn’t possibly mean . . .”

“Emerald,” Svea said, now fully listening to every single sound Emerald made. She looked the child straight in the face and asked slowly, “Did these people tell you their names?”

“Yes, and they took me in the boat and assassinated me because I was a Mary Sue and they were working for something called ‘pee-pee-sea’ and gave me a flower. Okay…and the point of that was..? Mama cried so they went in the water and took me back.”

“And what did they tell you their names were?”

“Vána and Romy!” Emerald yelled, then laid back on the bed to show she was finished with this conversation. If the adults weren’t going to listen to her she didn’t want to talk to them anyways. Little Suvians are like that.

Snip paragraph about Emerald’s credibility. Like she has any.

Shaking her head, Ivorwen insisted, “She must have heard wrong. Surely she can’t mean . . . I mean, it’s not possible. . . is it?” She’s a Mary Sue. Resistance is futile.

“What need would two Valar have of taking a small child for a boat ride?” Ummm…because she’s a Sue? Svea agreed. “But then, we of all people know not to question the Valar and their ways.”

“Yes, but having feelings and dreams are far different than the Valar actually paying you a visit at the age of three! That probably means she’s T3h Speshul. The Valar haven’t appeared to anyone in physical form in hundreds of years, have they?”

“Not that I’m aware of. But . . . Emerald, when you say Romy, do you mean Oromë?”

“Romy!” Emerald nodded, halfway off the bed. She was bored. She had told her story and now she wanted to play.

“This is impossible, Mother.”

“’Impossible’ is merely a challenge to the Valar,” Svea shook her head. “I just . . . Emerald tells stories about how she gets married to the Prince of Mirkwood, but that she should know those names . . . And she never lies, yeah, right, she just has a tendency to exaggerate a bit on the part about her flaws, saying she has none. . . But this doesn’t appear to be one of her stories.”

Emerald had recognized the sword and book left on a chair by the door. She ran over to these while the women talked and began tugging at the handle of the sword, wanting to see it glisten again the way it had in the boat. It was heavy and cumbersome, though; far too so for the delicate hands of a small girl. She managed only in yanking it off the chair where, even wrapped as it was in a cloak, the sound of shattering glass echoed around the room. Well…that was…implausible. How can a wrapped sword fall from a chair and break? Surely it’s not that delicate?


“I sorry! I did not mean to hit on the Prince of Mirkwood! It was an accident!” Emerald yelped, leaping away and covering her eyes as though this took all the blame off her. Svea rushed to her side and began turning her arms and legs over, looking for cuts of any kind. Ivorwen, meanwhile, pulled the cloak up, allowing the pieces of sword to clatter loudly to the ground again.

“Ivorwen!” Svea chided, then added, “Emerald!” Lilwen had meant it when she had instructed Svea no to let her out of her sight; apparently the girl was into everything today. Yes, and kicking ass at it, too! That’s Sue for you.

Ivorwen, however, ignored her mother’s scolding and instead asked, “Do you remember, mother, the sword that they had in the palace in Minis Tirith? Hey, look, a mini-City for mini-Balrogs! The broken sword, you remember?”

“The sword of Isildur?”

“I saw that sword every time we visited the palace,” Ivorwen continued. “Right in the entrance hall as it was . . . now tell me, Mother, is this not it?” Svea pulled Emerald onto her hip that sounds painful and awkward as the only way to detain the child and, standing beside Ivorwen, looked down. The sword had broken and landed exactly as it was displayed in the capitol city of Gondor, only here on the bedroom floor. Deus-ex-Machina or Convenient Plot Device? Choose between them.

“Impossible . . .”

“And what sort of sword shatters upon being knocked off a chair?” Exactly what I was wondering about! I say…CPD!

“But . . .”

“I think Emerald is telling the absolute truth,” Ivorwen stated, turning to face the little girl. Emerald’s face lit up at her name and she gave Ivorwen a giant smile, though she was too busy staring longingly out the window to hear what they were saying. Bratty Sue…

Svea frowned, “I think so, too. But I’m terrified to know why the Valar are appearing at all.” Because Sue is fated to bring t3h awesum gretness and fulfill her t3h awesum destinee. And the Valar want to make her “prove” it.

“And why they are bringing swords to children.” Because…oh, look above.

Snip paragraph of CPD the Second: Mysterious Blank Book ala Tom Riddle’s Diary.

“Put me down!” That was Emerald the Bratty Sue.

“Emerald, did those people say anything else to you?” But isn’t it true that you must never talk to strangers?

“No. Put me down or else I will use my ub3r Sue powers on you!” Svea sighed and did so.

Ivorwen shook her head, “I just don’t—well, I suppose we aren’t supposed to understand why this girl is such a brat, are we?” No one can truly decipher the thoughts and plots of a Suethor.

Snip section about dream-keeping.

“Yes, well—oh! Emerald, do kill yourself don’t play with that,” Svea gasped, yanking Emerald up by the arm. “I’m afraid this all has my brain so fuddled I’m not paying any attention too—oh!” Emerald begin to cry, as a sure way to induce compassion, but Ivorwen and Svea stared silently down at the now-complete sword, which Emerald had pieced together as though it were a puzzle. Her fingers were not cut, and indeed the edges seemed dulled as though it had not just recently been broken, but had been so hundreds of years before.

“Well if that’s not a sign of her Mary Sue-ness, I’m not sure what is,” Ivorwen mused.

“An evil omen, more than likely. Ah, yes…the one about an unspeakable evil masquerading as a little three-year-old princess named Emerald. Oh, don’t cry, Emmy. Come, let’s go play outside, away from these things. You’re just a little girl. The Valar can’t take you from me yet!” She put Emerald down just long enough to gather up the pieces of the sword and bundle them back up in the cloak. Perched atop the book on the chair, the sword ‘s presence still dominated the room in its forebodingness. It was just a sword, most likely not Narsil stolen from Gondor. Someone’s up that river in Egypt. And yet Emerald’s meeting with the Valar was impossible to explain away, because it’s so…Sueish, and Svea and her daughter both were the last ones in Arda who could deny the interference of the Valar with their everyday lives.

Ivorwen cast one more glance at the bundled sword, then followed her mother and the little princess out of doors, her child kicking against her ribs. Owwwww. That has got to hurt.

So, that was the first chapter. It’s decently written in technical terms, but the overabundance of Original Characters drives me nuts.

If you are reading this, ShilohPR, I would say that you have talent for Original Fiction. Try that instead of just tacking on stuff to Middle-earth. Made-up kingdoms and places in Arda get people mad.

Kudos to you for making it seem like you have read the books and evidently respecting your spellcheck, though.
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