deleterius: Clipart spork, metallic. (Agent Dawn McKenna)
[personal profile] deleterius
Why Vampires and Cylons Don't Mix

Story Or Series Title: Kindred: The Embraced ~Vampire Waltz~ (whut a title. And it's not even original. I heard that Kindred was once a TV show with the same premise.)
Fandom: Battlestar Twilightica
Culprit Author's Name: Princess Arinayed
Full Name (plus titles if any): Starlight Amoret Adama, totally not a Suvian name. *eyeroll* (I am officially calling her Renesmee squared.)
Full Species(es): Diabola gothica gratuita

Hair Color (include adjectives): "long raven hair with red streaks"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Her left was a deep blue while her right and emerald"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Vampire fangs, weird eyes
Special Possessions (if any): Bill Adama's sanity. I'm not kidding. He's so out of character.
Annoying Origin: The mind of a Suethor fresh out of Twilight and Kindred: The Embraced (the TV show)
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Bill Adama (That's it, I refuse to call him that. He is officially Bill Cullen.) and Laura Roslin (aka Laura Swan)'s daughter (wait, shouldn't Laura be, like, half dead? Renesmee squared is a frakking half-vampire!), Lee and Zak's sister, Laura's student, etc, etc.
Annoying Special Abilities: Daddy's Little Bitch Girl; the ability to summon a limo out of nowhere; the ability to be uber annoying; the power of UnCanon; the ability to make her dad a perv; OMG SPESHUL VAMP!MAGIC abilities; the ability to use said OMG SPESHUL VAMP!MAGIC abilities in a sci-fi continuum; the ability to speak the OMG SPESHUL VAMP!LANGUAGE; etc, etc.
Other Annoying Traits: Making Adama the prince of a democratic government.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:


The night was filled with the smell of the dead Mary Sue living. It must smell like freesia and honeysuckle or whatever Bella Swan's scent is. The beating of their hearts ceased as the vampires fed—what? It's a vamp story! filled their ears ooh, it must be deafening as the limo of unCanon drove around the city, crashing into random trees and buildings and telephone poles. The young woman Enter the Sue! *mock fanfare* slept with her head resting upon his gratuitous and out of it father's Did she suddenly get genderbent? shoulder. Her long raven hair with red streaks ooh, SO not Suvian seemed to glow even in the darkness within the car. Doubleyoo-tee-eff. Her pale skin only made her seem as if she was made out of porcelain. Let's shatter it! Where's the sledgehammer?

Her father tenderly caressed her face as she slept ahhhhhhhh incest!, his face showing worry as he looked at her. His azure eyes deeper than the ocean so frakking poetic locked with those of his best friend. "She isn't getting any better, Saul." EPIC BROMANCE.

"Have patience, the doctor did say her system is adapting to her awakening on this era what did she do, travel in a time machine?," Saul responded serving himself another drink. Where's the comma? "You'll see she'll be up and running soon enough as soon as she'd fed." Hm what? Has she been frozen in cyrogenic sleep or something?

He kisses his daughter's brow, "I hope so...Have you gotten any news about that woman?" NOT LAURA, RIGHT?

"Yes, apparently she is now the Secretary of Education." FRAK-A-DAK!

"She works for that ass?" the man said a bit amused. Cos Laura Roslin totes works for a donkey. Totally. Trufax right there. *eyeroll*

"Yeah well, from what our spy gathered, she's also fraking dude, wrong spelling. *pets fraking the mini-Centurion* the bastard. Jealous, much? But that doesn't surprise me of that prick. That woman is frakking hot!" Is that what they really say? What the frak, man.

"I don't give a rat's ass what the woman looks like. HUH. What I want is my daughter to learn how to communicate again. The woman was a teacher her family owes me. That was incoherent to the nth degree. Laura Roslin will be my daughter's teacher..." creepy.

"What happens if she refuses, Bill?" "Why, I buttrape her and feed on her, derrrr! It’s not like I'm BILL ADAMA, after all. Vampire fangs=waiving of all canonical characterization."

Bill Adama grinned, "Then I'll have to take matters into my own hands. Same frakking thing. The Roslin's owe me big time. Get your posessives right, godsdamnit. As I heart it I <3 it, oh yeah. she's the last, and I am betting she knows nothing of the deal made between her family and myself." What frakking deal? Do you know anything about a deal, RDM?

RDM: *shakes head*

Saul chuckled, "Don't mess with the Prince of Caprica City!"

Oh, wow. EPIC FAIL. Has this authoress ever taken U.S. Government? Cos Twelve Colonies=U.S. in terms of government, y'know.

"You got that freaking right! USE FRAK, FOR FRAK'S SAKE! For countless centuries, Kindred prospered and pursued their own Canon, which has nothing to do with that of BSG itself. schemes and desires. We are invincible, which is frakking insane standing above humans species-ist in our understanding and awareness of the true nature of the world. We are Elves! live openly and arrogantly among mortals, relying on our power and human superstition LOL to preserve them." Wow, so full of himself. Someone care to prick his manly vampirely ego?

The slight stir of his daughter made both men quiet. Her beautiful eyes slowly drifted open. Her left was a deep blue while her right and was emerald was she wearing contacts?. She smiles at her father but does not say a word. "Hey daddy. Got any snacksies?"

"I have a surprise for you," ("OMG yey I love surprises! Is it edible?") Bill says. "I found you a teacher. ("Darn it, I wanted a snack! Can I eat the teacher?") Saul is going to talk with her in a while. Would you like to meet her?" ("Can I eat her after?") His words to others might sound strange frak yeah, he's strange. for he is not speaking the language humans do, but that of the Cylon vampire. dun dun dun…

The girl nods. "I'm sooooo hungry! Give me da teacher! I wanna EAT!"



Consecutive Sporking--Part One

This is me, Lily. I am in le BOLD today.

Author Notes:
Bill and Laura face one another for the first time DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN...well, kind of

The black limousine WHAT, NO SHINY SILVER VOLVO? came to a halt in front of a very distinguished apartment building. EVERYTHING ABOUT LAURA FRAKKING ROSLIN IS FRAKKING DISTINGUISHED, WILLIAM ADAMA CULLEN. It was set high in a hill wait a sec, so Laura's a hobbit? Her apartment's in a hill! overlooking the city. The driver steps around the limo and opens the door. Saul steps out, smoothing his suit *chokes* and taking a deep breath before he turns back to the other two inside. That sounded kinda run-on. He reaches out a hand to help the young woman out who is followed by her father. OMG IT'S BILL CULLEN AGAIN!

“Well, I’ll be back in a few; cross your fingers so I come with the Teacher SNACKSIE,” Saul said as he headed to the front entrance.

The young woman turns to her father; she is wearing a long black t-shirt, with blue bell bottoms OMG IZ SHE A HIPPIE?!?, and flip-flops. There's your distinguishing sign of a Mary Sue. SHE'S TALKING ABOUT HER WARDROBE IN A SCENE THAT IS NOT IN THE MALL OR BEFORE A BIG, DISTINGUISHED PARTY. Bill had been amused at how fast she had discarded the dresses she so seemed to like for this more comfortable clothing. Alice must be pissed. BTW, who's Alice? Boomer? But she had been dormant for 3 centuries. Fashion changed, and his daughter had always hated dresseseven when she’d say the opposite. Renesmee squared is such a liar.

“What is it?” he asks. “Do you wish to feed?” He looks around searching for a suitable meal. "Godsdamnit, where are the mountain lions when you need them?"

She shakes her head. "I'm saving my appetite for the teacher."

“You need to eat; you haven’t fed since you woke. Why?”

She spoke to him in ancient what kind of language is that?, “Please, do not make me feed tempt me. I do not wish to take the blood of anyone. And I'm vegetarian anyways. I promised myself two seconds ago. See my pretty golden eyes? Oh wait, you can't see them; I've got my Suvian contact lenses on.” Her eyes filled with a sadness he knew too well. “I know you and Lee worry, but ever since Zak’s death…I can’t.” Gods, you're just as bad as Kara Thrace.

“And you know that Lee and I do not hold you responsible for his death,” Bill replies lovingly caressing her face. “It was an accident.” *singsong voice* That's what you said to Kara!

She bows her head, “I won’t believe it…I know what the Kindred Volturi say. I know how they accuse me of his death.” I'll be dead in a few days, Dad. Thanks a lot.

“Screw the whole lot of them!” Bill said quiet loudly er, that's contradictory. How about "quite loudly"? earning him a look from the passerby. "Marcus, Caius, and Aro can all just go frak themselves. I don't frakking care. You are my daughter, Renesmee squared, and I will not let anything happen to you. I AM Bill Cullen, after all."

Their conversation was cut short by the sound of a grumbling Saul as he walked back towards them. His face was one of pure anger and his hands were fisted. “Darn school teacher!” Wow, you're just like SMeyer. Refusing to use the actual word…

Adama chuckled, “I take it she refused?”

“More than that!” Saul exclaimed. “Stupid human female closed the door on my face which means she deprived me of her lovely, Bella Swan-esque scent the moment I said your frakking name.” Poor fraking. *pats the mini-Centurion*

The young woman giggled. "Tee hee!"

“Yeah, laugh, why don’t you. I swear if I didn’t know how much you need her Bill (and I haven't the slightest idea why you need more bills, Bill.), I’d kill her.”

Bill let out a sigh, “Seems like if I want something done I better do it myself.” Oh FRAK. GET THE GARLIC AND CROSSES READY! WHERE ARE THE WEREWOLVES? QUICK, DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE THE SIGN OF A CROSS? WE NEED STAKES! WE NEED STAKES! WE NEED BELLS, BOOKS, AND CANDLES!

“Don’t blame me, Old Man,” Saul defended himself. “Not my fault you have a bad reputation with the ladies!” I WONDER WHY.

That earned him a glare, “If I were you, I’d shut up!” Such nice manners, Bill Cullen. He turned to his daughter and smiled, “You did say you wanted to meet her and eat her, didn’t you?”

She nods. GODSDAMNIT, STOP CHANGING TENSES!

Bill wraps his arm around her waist no wonder he has a bad rep with the ladies, “Saul, stay here and inform the staff we are about to have a permanent guest.” That said, he made sure no one was around and both he and his daughter faded into a mist someone trap that mist!!!!!! that slowly made its way up the building No spider monkeys? Or is this how EDWARD Cullen gets inside Bella's room, too? and inside a window. Run-on. Again.

*~*~*~*~* <== The Twinkly Lights of Festivity! Hee.

Laura Roslin nervously paced in her living room. Her mother had warned her millions of times and told her to be ready when he called upon her. So wait, she's a freakish Goddess of some sort? That doesn't make sense. But Laura had always believed her mother had only been messing around with her.

"OMG VAMPIREZ? LOL, APRIL FOOLS!"

FLASHBACK. Brace yourselves.

“Mom, there’s no way vampires exist!” a twelve-year-old Laura said. "Neither do werewolves!"

“They do exist! And our family made a mistake long ago; one that ends with you.” Wow, she reminds me of Renée.
Laura stared, “Me? Why me? What did I ever do wrong other than trip over my own feet? Why am I such a trouble magnet?

Her mother looked away, “You are the last female in the Roslin line. The thirteenth female OMG SO LUCKY [/sarcsasm] and the last to carry the Dark Mark…”

At that Laura looks at the lotus birthmark on her chest. Bwuh?

“Prepare yourself Laura, for if you think your life is free…you are mistaken. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN! Every move you make is watched.”

"OH NO, NOT THE VOLTURI!!!!!!!"

The sudden chill of a cool breeze coming from her balcony made her stop. Oh FRAKKKKKK! GET THE GARLIC! She took a deep breath and slowly turned her body around. Her head, of course, stayed right where it was and she became a deformed hag for the rest of her life (oh NO!). The end. She’d felt this before. Felt his touch upon her skin while she slept. NICE GOING, BILL CULLEN, WATCHING YOUR BELLA SLEEP. With it came the sensual sensation wow, just as bad as "oh love, I love you with all the love that a love can love with" of a lover. She should have known because she researched it after her BFF Jake told her.

"You're creepy and perverted. Your characterization is terrible. You hit on me in public. You watch me sleep. And you can't even touch Canon with a ten-mile-long pole," she said. "I know what you are."

His voice sounded like velvet. That is, if velvet could taunt. "Say it. Say it out loud."

“Vampire!character replacement,” Laura whispered as she faced the man and young woman sitting in her living room. "You must be Bill Cullen and Renesmee squared."

His deep blue gold crimson eyes lit up as he saw her face, “We finally get to meet face to face, Laura Bella Swan. And yes, I am a vampire!character replacement. And I have come to claim what is mine.” Wow, so dog-like of you. Are you sure you're not a werewolf?

And why is Renesmee squared not squicked by all of this? I am.

Laura froze; her emerald eyes showed fear and curiosity. For years she had heard about William “Husker” Adama Cullen, Vampire Prince of Caprica City. Eh BWUH? What kind of frakkery is this? Her nightly visitor, she supposed. And she was face to face with the one person who held power over her. WTF, MAN. NO ONE CAN CONTROL LAURA FRAKKING ROSLIN. THIS PISSES ME OFF, DO YOU HEAR?

TBC

End Notes:

I am sorry it is so short...Nah I'm not! *Evil laugh* I'm not sorry it’s short, either. Huh.

Consecutive Sporking--Part Two

This is me, Lily. I am in le BOLD today.

Author Notes: This is a public service announcement: I have suffered from amnesia and I have no idea why I am writing this atrocity. Pardon me while I take this story down.

(I wish.)

Sorry this took so long! I'm not sorry. Why are you looking at me? But here it is: the not-so-eagerly-awaited third chapter. Oh and click on the link to see a banner/poster I made for this fic. Like we'd actually hang it up. I'm not very good with Photoshop but I did my best. If only you did that with the actual fic. Kindred, a BSG vamp!fic with disturbing connections to Kindred, the TV show. And Twilight.

We finally get to know the name of Bill's daughter You don't need to tell me. Her name's Mary Sue, aka Renesmee squared. and things get a bit bad for Laura. BUT WHY DO YOU TORTURE THE LAURA? SHE IZ OSSUM!

Laura sat across William Adama and the young woman half-vampire. Wait, what? She sat across them? Like, in their laps? Her arms crossed over her chest, her eyes never breaking contact with the people before her. That was a fragment. Seriously. “Why now?” she said. "Why not when I turn old and decrepit?"

Bill took hold of his daughter’s hand, “Because she needs you.” *cough* What was that?

Laura blinked, “Excuse me? Your daughter wants me? As in frakking want?

“You were a seventh grade science teacher once, were you not?”

“Yes, I was.” OMG HAIIIII MRS. F!!!!

He smiles, saying, “I need my daughter to learn about this time, but most of all more importantly, she needs to learn how to speak.”

“Your daughter? What kind of frakkery is this? What kind of frakker are you?” Laura said, staring at the young woman Mary Sue. To her knowledge she’d never known that William Adama to have had a daughtersons, yes, but never a girl. OMG RENESMEE SQUARED IZ A SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE.

Bill smirked, saying, “Not everything about me is known, my dear. Most people who investigate my life haven’t even scratched the surface of it. I’m far older than I look.”

Laura Swan: How old are you?
Bill Cullen: Sixty-five. <== a little guesstimation
Laura Swan: How long have you been sixty-five?
Bill Cullen: A while.

Laura did not speak.

Laura Swan: dot dot dot…o.O…-.-

“You see, my daughter just awoke from her deep slumber. SLEEPING (so-called) BEAUTY! She woke to a world unlike the one she knew. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN Add to that to a language she has yet to understand. Thus, there is my need for you, Laura. Though I wouldn't mind a little frak as well.

“If you wanted a teacher, I am sure there are others besides me that w

“I DON’T WANT ANY OTHER!” the vampire hissed. Picky picky, Bill Cullen. Is it just the smell?

Laura trembled; the man before her had changed. His eyes had turned into golden orbs, revealing his ossum inner vegetarian…wait, his eyes turned into gold balls? That's awkward; how will he see? his lips lightly parted to reveal long gleaming white fangs. Ouch, Bill Cullen. Stop overreacting. She tried to speak but her mouth would not open. So that's his speshul vamp!power, eh? The ability to rob his victims of their vocal capabilities?

Bill Cullen: Do I dazzle you?
Laura Swan: um…

“A pact was made long ago by your family with mine.

Ron D. Moore: What pact?

The thirteenth female born into the Roslin family carrying the lotus birthmark upon her chest will belong to me!

Ron D. Moore: That wasn't part of the Pythian prophecies. Or any other prophecy, for that matter.

She will be mine to call upon when I want her. Ew. Like a frakking call-girl? That's just sick and degrading. She will be my mate! What sort of assfrakkery is this, seriously? Vampires don't choose mates because of some creepy old contract! I thought they gave their prospective mates some say in the matter, too. This is a werewolf schtick. That is you…You are the payment for saving your worthless great-great grandfather from death at the gallows. The pact made so that you and your family would not live in shame. A pact made with blood!” A pact made with blood? That's just sad. What if Bill got bloodthirsty and ate the parchment?

His daughter places a hand on his shoulder.

Renesmee squared: I disapprove of this, daddy. It makes me sick to hear you say shit like this.

Bill takes a deep breath and continues in a monotone, “You are the thirteenth and the last female in your line. Der. She died of cancer and never got knocked up (as far as we know) prior to that. *glares at Renesmee squared* The last of the Roslins. Just as I gave your great-great grandfather my blood, wait, do vamps even HAVE blood? you as the last carry it within you.” Ew, so she's part vamp, too?

Laura shook her head, exclaiming, “That is a lie! My family would never do such a thing! We're too kickass!

Bill laughed, “All humans are alike, no matter how good they seem. Ha, the Cylons knew that well enough. Your family is no different, Laura. They were greedy, wanted power and money…My family gave them that. And as payment…I have you.” Double-yoo. Tee. Eff. Kay, this is worse than Twilight, somehow. At least Bella was willing to be tied to Edward.

“I belong to no one, you hear!” Laura exclaimed, standing up. “I am my own person; I am no one's slave!” It's kinda sad that I have to correct the grammar in this tripe as well as spork it.

This was a bad move upon Laura’s part; no one said no to Bill Adama. He must be one selfish, spoiled vampire. There was a reason his kind had kept in peace with humans—because they are vegetarians. A reason why vampires were not the ones ruling over them as it should be. Wow, so species-ist, Bill Cullen. A reason why all vampires feared Adama Cullen. One which Laura was about to learn. He has speshul mind-reading powahz, right?

WRONG.

Faster than she could have thought she found herself pressed against one of the walls. Oh frak. A hand tightly gripped her neck, cutting the off her circulation from her.

Laura Swan: Ack! Gack! Splutter! KABLOOEY!
Her feet barely touched the ground and her hand instinctively hand gone around Bill’s to pulls him away. But no amount of force could help her. DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN His eyes were now red pools of anger, his face contorted like that of a wolf.

Jacob Richard Adar Black: I resent that.

His fangs unsheathed.

Bill Cullen: Let me ask you again—do I dazzle you?
Laura Swan: Meep.

“I can kill you so easily; break that little neck of yours without much but a flick of my wrist.

Laura Swan: I value my neck, thank you very much.
Bill Cullen: Yeah, but your scent is so intoxicating…
Laura Swan: I am creeped.
Bill Cullen: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Laura Swan: What a stupid lamb.
Bill Cullen: What a seriously-out-of-character lion.
Laura Swan: I thought it was 'what a sick, masochistic lion'?
Bill Cullen: Whatever.

Or I can drain you of all your blood and rape you.

Laura Swan: For shame, Bill. I thought you loved me.
Bill Cullen: I'd love to attempt to understand the circular logic behind this frakking bullshit.
Laura Swan: Me, too.

But no, I won’t do that. You say you are no slave?

Laura Swan: Of COURSE not! Now, had you been more sane, you would never have said something like this.
Bill Cullen: Good point.

Well, you are about to see just how frakking wrong you are. I planned to do this the nice way, Laura, but I see you like being treated like a bitch.” EXCUSE ME?

Laura Swan: Bitch, I'll show you bitch. I've got my bitch!face working overtime here.

Laura could barely see him now, “pl…I…can’t…breathe…” PULEEZE. LAURA SHOULD BE ABLE TO KICK SOME VAMPY ASS, NOT LIE THERE AND ACT LIKE A STUPID LAMB.

“Papa, stop!” OMG IT'S RENESMEE SQUARED TO DA RESCUE! *corny fanfare*

The panicked voice of his child cut through his anger. Bill released Laura, letting her slump down into the floor. So she melted into the floor? What a lovely mental image. She coughed for air and held and rubbed her neck. But she was surprised when she saw the young woman kneeling besides her glaring at her own father; she Renesmee squared then glanced at Laura and spoke to her in a language she did not understand.

“I beg of you, do not anger my father! He's a spoiled brat. He thinks he dazzles people, but that's my distant cousin Edward's schtick. You seem like a very nice and smart person. Seem being the key word, of course. Do as he asks; I do not wish to see him take your life, Laura Roslin. I wanted to do that.

Bill growled ("No one insults my dazzling capabilites!") and walked to the balcony.

Laura did not move. She kept her eyes on the young woman. Her voice was but a mere whisper since her throat still hurt. OMG NU WAI. “I’m sorry, I do not understand you.”

The young woman smiles and extends her hand to Laura. There we go with the tense changing again. Doubtfully, Roslin takes her hand. “Can you understand me now?” she Renesmee squared spoke telepathically.

The REAL Renesmee: Hey! She stole my power!
The REAL Edward: Impostors!
The REAL Bella: Holy crow, what the fudge?

Startled Laura takes her hand away. Unstartled Laura keeps it there. The young woman reaches out and takes it again. “Forgive me for scaring you. But this is the only way I am able to speak to you in your own language. Cos unlike my cousin's daughter, I'm not as…visual. And by the way I am a Mary Sue named Starlight Amoret Adama Renesmee squared, daughter to William Adama Cullen.”

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNN.

This story is To Be Cooked

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