deleterius: Clipart spork, metallic. (Agent Dawn McKenna)
[personal profile] deleterius

Consecutive Sporking--Part Three

Story Or Series Title: Kindred: The Embraced ~Vampire Waltz~ (whut a title. And it's not even original. I heard that Kindred was once a TV show with the same premise.)
Fandom: Battlestar Twilightica
Culprit Author's Name: Princess Arinayed
Full Name (plus titles if any): Starlight Amoret Adama, totally not a Suvian name. *eyeroll* (I am officially calling her Renesmee squared.)
Full Species(es): Diabola gothica gratuita

Hair Color (include adjectives): "long raven hair with red streaks"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Her left was a deep blue while her right and emerald"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Vampire fangs, weird eyes
Special Possessions (if any): Bill Adama's sanity. I'm not kidding. He's so out of character.
Annoying Origin: The mind of a Suethor fresh out of Twilight and Kindred: The Embraced (the TV show)
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Bill Adama (That's it, I refuse to call him that. He is officially Bill Cullen.) and Laura Roslin (aka Laura Swan)'s daughter (wait, shouldn't Laura be, like, half dead? Renesmee squared is a frakking half-vampire!), Lee and Zak's sister, Laura's student, etc, etc.
Annoying Special Abilities: Daddy's Little Bitch Girl; the ability to summon a limo out of nowhere; the ability to be uber annoying; the power of UnCanon; the ability to make her dad a perv; OMG SPESHUL VAMP!MAGIC abilities; the ability to use said OMG SPESHUL VAMP!MAGIC abilities in a sci-fi continuum; the ability to speak the OMG SPESHUL VAMP!LANGUAGE; etc, etc.
Other Annoying Traits: Making Adama the prince of a democratic government.
I am Lily and I am in BOLD. Today I have with me Bill Cullen, Laura Swan, Richard Adar Black, Renesmee squared, and Ron D. Moore.

Author Notes: I'm so sorry about inflicting this crap on all of you. Pardon me while I go take it down.
Bill Cullen: I wish. Maybe if I bribed someone…
Laura Swan: If only.

Sorry this chapter took so long! I'm not sorry. But with the holidays and such, I barely had time to type.

Laura Swan: If only those pesky relatives had stayed longer.

Star and Laura get to know each other for a while,

Laura Swan: I don't want to know what that means.
Renesmee squared: Seeing that I'm a Mary Sue…
Laura Swan: Now I really don't want to know.

hunters have appeared and thinsgs are about to get crazy for Laura.

Laura Swan: Like they weren't crazy before.
Ron D. Moore: I hope you're talking about the Cylon attack.
Laura Swan: Um…

As a child Starlight had been taught to be obedient to the laws of the Kindred.

Renesmee squared: Oh, how I've always wanted to get the frak away from here and go to Forks…

Each law had a reason for being.

Bill Cullen: Like the one about not going outside in the sunlight.
What, do you sparkle?
Bill Cullen: You'll see.

More than once she had gotten herself in trouble with the Nosferatu Counsel

Is that some weird name for the Volturi?
Hoomins/Werewolf: Volturi what, Volturi who?
Vamps: Long story.
Whatever it is, Renesmee squared would obviously defy them and get away with it.

for her need to question such rules. Her father had insisted that she should not anger them.

Renesmee squared: But of course, no one angers my dad, either.
Bill Cullen: With good reason, too. I am your own personal Volturi.
Renesmee squared: Creepy thought.

But now as she helped Laura Roslin up from the floor and saw the marks her father’s hands had left upon her neck, Starlight wanted more than ever to question them.

Renesmee squared: How did she get in my mind?
Bill Cullen: She used your cousin.
Renesmee squared: Why, that Edward…I'm gonna rip him into pieces and burn them…

She led Laura to the sofa and slowly made her turn her neck from side to side to inspect it.

Laura Swan: (scoots away from Renesmee squared)

Being this close to Roslin allows her to communicate with her. “He left bruises, Laura Roslin.”

Bill Cullen: Of course I left a love bite.
Richard Black: Bad idea, bloodsucker.

Laura takes a deep breath, “Your father is a monster!”

Bill Cullen: No way. Like the fangs didn't give it away already.
Laura Swan: Can I help it that I got characterized as a stupid, state-the-obvious lamb?

Star looks away; she stares straight ahead towards the balcony where she can see her father pace.

Bill Cullen: Watch me pace in fury. I am very furious.

She turns back to Laura and places her hand gently on her neck.

Laura Swan: (scoots even farther away from Renesmee squared)

Laura reacts by moving to Middle-earth. Star’s fingertips are still touching her. Dang, she has long fingers. Laura's in Middle-earth and she can still touch her? “I will not hurt you. I only wish to heal you and make the pain go. Will you allow me to do so?”

Laura Swan: That's what she said.

Laura did not know what was it about this girl that made her feel safe.

Laura Swan: I know she feels very protective of me.
Bill Cullen: Hey, I thought that protecting was my schtick!
Laura Swan: You haven't done a great job of it lately.
Bill Cullen: Good point.

From the moment she had seen the young woman there’d been this feeling of familiarity upon her. Come ON. That plot element is dead and rotting. I've used it plenty of times myself. Laura could not help but be pulled towards her; a feeling of having knowing her before falling into her mind and heart. Bwuh? With a small nod Laura gives her permission.

Laura Swan: Fine. Be that way.

The young woman presses her hand as gently as she can on Laura’s neck. She closes her eyes and begins to recite words not even Laura at this closeness can comprehend. Star’s palms begin to glow in a soft white light creating a warm ripple of energy into Laura’s hurt neck.

Ron D. Moore: EPIC FAIL.
Hear, hear, Ron.
Ron D. Moore: What's the use of magic in a science fiction television show?
Especially one set in space. I mean, Chamalla and the Arrow of Apollo are the closest things we have to magic in BSG, and even then there are scientific explanations. Or at least something like, "The Gods did it/It is in God’s plan." There IS NO GRATUITOUS USE OF MAGIC IN BATTLESTAR FRAKKING GALACTICA!

From the corner of her eye Laura caught her reflection in the mirror hanging on the side wall. She could see small like baby blue ribbons dancing around her neck and Star’s hands. Soon, the pain she felt began to fade.
Renesmee squared: See, I'm more ossum than my cousin's daughter!
At least the real Renesmee is officially in the story.
Renesmee squared: I was totally in BSG!
Sure you were. You look like a cross between Laura and Bill. We would have noticed.

Once she is done, Star removes her hands and inspects Laura’s neck. “There, much better!”

*~*~*~* <==Tom Zarek's Christmas lights.

In the meantime, Bill paced the balcony. His anger had lessened, but his hatred of what he’d been about to do to Laura was something he could not get over.

Bill Cullen: Then why did I say it?
Laura Swan: You're so bipolar and schizophrenic that it's funny.

He sighs and turns his attention inside the room. He is taken aback by seeing his daughter healing Laura. Star was not one to take so fast into humans. As it was, Star was afraid of them.

Hoomins: BOO!
Renesmee squared: (screams bloody murder)

But then why did her wanting to care for Laura surprised him? He needed this to happen so he can watch lesbian porn anytime he wanted.

Laura Swan: That's gross.
I know. It's the first thing that came to my mind.
Laura Swan: You have a gross mind.
Thank you.

“Master,” came the voice of one of his servants. "Wants to fight, Yoda does."
“What is it?”
“There has been an attack by a hunter Cylon werewolf in section D.” What the frak is section frakking D?
Bill growls loud enough for Saul to hear him down in the street. So while Bill threatened to rape Laura and generally made an asshat out of himself, Saul was oozing into the gutter. Nice. Laura jumps from her seat while Star stands and walks to her father. Bill turns to her. “Stay here!”

“Why?”

“Hunter,” was all he said as in one fluid motion he leaps off of the balcony in one fluid motion and elegantly lands next to Saul. Great. That was a perfect impersonation of Edward Cullen.

Bill Cullen: I couldn't let my distant vampire nephew have all the fun.
So you'll take Laura on a spider monkey ride through the trees, too? And frak her on a private island, bite a few pillows, and destroy the bed?
Bill Cullen: If her stomach can handle it. No, of course not. She'd have to marry me first.

Both exchange a few words before getting inside the limo again. I still laugh my ass off at the thought of them in a frakking limo.

Bill Cullen: If certain people had any sense, they'd get me a silver Volvo.
That's what I was complaining about a few chapters ago.

Laura had run the moment she had seen Bill jump.

Laura Swan: AAAAAAAUGH THERE'S A MADMAN JUMPING OFF OF MY BALCONY!

Star held her back, “It's ok, he can’t die from a fall like this (damn)…I thought you didn’t like him?”

Laura Swan: Hell no!

“Well, I…How would it look if the police came into the Secretary of Education’s home after a guy jumps off her balcony!?”

Laura Swan: See what I mean? For once, my on-page persona agrees with me!
Star smirks, “Uh-huh.She heaves a big sigh. “Something is not right. And in the middle of the night, Miss Clavel turns on the light, and says, "Something is not right!"I’ve seen my father like this only a few times. You must have pissed him off reeeeeally badly. And always the same reason…Hunters.” 'Least it's not KUNTER.

“Hunters?” Laura questions as she sees the limousine drive off.

“Yes, even now there are those who wish to exterminate the Kindred. Not just because they hate us but also for our knowledge.” Cos they';re so frakking SMART. OOH YAYZ.

There is silence around them for a few seconds. Then the silence left, disgruntled. Laura sits down in one of the chairs she’d set out but two days ago in her balcony. It's ON, for frak's sake! She gazes up at the round moons moons as in the plural? I don't know… in the star-filled sky. She hadn’t noticed it before but for some odd reason the sky seemed to be alive tonight. IT'S ALLLLLLIVVVVVEEEEEEEE! *evil cackle* While Laura is contemplating suicide all that has happened tonight, Star jumps into Mount Doom the railing Why is everyone in this story merging with everything? and sits on it. Yay, I don't frakking care. Her feet danglinge in the air, moving them back and forth as if they were in the lake near her father’s mansion. PULEEZE. Enough with the whole aristocracy crap.

“Is there any way to break the pact?” Laura suddenly asks. Desperate, aren't you?

Laura Swan: Well, yeah!

Star turns her head to the side to look at her; and shrugs. Dude, the first time a semicolon is used and ITS USAGE IS SCREWED UP! Then she blushes when her stomach grumbles in protest of having missed the meal their head cook had prepared. Lemee guess…hoomin blood.

Renesmee squared: No, omelets.
Psh. Yeah, right.

Laura giggles, “Do vampires eat normal food?”

Bill Cullen: No…not unless we have to.

Star cocks her head LOL to the side in question.

Laura extends her hand towards her. The young woman reaches for it. “I asked if vampires ate normal food, like humans do.”

Bill Cullen: You didn't hear me, right? NO we don't!

The girl nods enthusiastically.

Bill Cullen: Of course Renesmee squared wouldn't. She's a Mary Sue; she can get away with it.
Renesmee squared: But Daddy…(pouts)

Laura made a small humming sound and points with her thumb back into her home, “Come on, I’ll make you something!” She lets go of her hand. And as the girl jumped beside her Laura couldn’t help but smile. What is it about her and this feeling inside of me? Have I met her before? Why do I sense that I have? Why do I not fear her? Why am I asking such short, stupid questions? Adama said she’d been asleep for three centuries so there’s no way I’ve met her! It has to be her whole presence; unlike her father, she has a different aura to her. Come on, enough with the aura and magic bullshit. THIS IS SCI-FIIIIIIIII!

Renesmee squared: I am a SPESHUL SNOWFLAKE.
Yeah, especially that flake part.
Renesmee squared: HEY!

Once in the kitchen, Laura opens the fridge and motionings for Star to look inside and see if there was something she wanted. But she thought better of it when she got an idea.

Laura Swan: OMG I HAZ AN IDEEEEA.

She reached for the phone and dialed a pizzeria. OM NOM NOM

Star sat in one of the stools by the counter and gazed at the older woman as she spoken into the thing her father had told her was a phone. She was very intrigued with all the new technology and gadgets in this time. Star noticed the color of Laura’s hair. OOOH interesting. It was a A soft red that, when hit by the right amount of light, gave the appearance of a halo around her head. I think this is supposed to be symbolic somehow. Her skin was the color of milk wow, how pretty. (eyeroll) and she also knew how soft it was. However, it was her eyes that had made her remember something from her childhood.

Star had been very young when her mother passed away. She was Mmerely two. But even while she slept but vamps don't sleep! it was he color of her eyes she remembered. They were always filled with warmth and love.

“Yes, 7824 East Unova, Apartment number 118,” So particular. You sure there's no stalkers involved? Laura finished killing the person and hung the phone from her nostrils. The smile on her face died and she gave it a proper burial in a velvet-lined casket in a field of flowers when she saw the sadness in the girl’s face. “Star…”

She looks up and wipes the few tears that had slipped down her cheeks. “S’rry…” she did her best to say the word. She’d begun to try them but most of the time failed to communicate.

Renesmee squared: NOT FRAKKING FAIR.
I know, the real Renesmee's smarter than you. Haha.
Renesmee squared: I frakking HATE you.
Thanks.

“Are you worried about your father?”
Star read her lips and frowns when she can not cannot understand. She was sick of not being able to grasp the freaking language; she wanted to learn!

Renesmee squared: Yesh, we LOVE TO LEARN.

She wanted to talk with others without having to hold their hand! But sadly she hadn’t been able to do so and thus she reached out for Laura. “I’m sorry...could you repeat that?”
“I asked if you were worried about your father.”

Renesmee squared: Me, worry about my dad? What sort of universe do you live in?
Richard Black: You screwed up my line, leech-girl.
Renesmee squared: Dog.
Richard Black: Mary Sue.
Renesmee squared: Frakking bastard.

“Oh him? Pshhh…no way! My dad can take care of himself. I’ve seen him take down ten hunters by himself!

Bill Cullen: Am I good or am I good?
Shut up, showoff.

No…I was thinking about my mother.

Laura Swan: Who is not me.
I don't know…seeing how this 'Sue turned out, I think you might have had a hand in this.
Bill Cullen: More than a hand, even. (suggestive stare)
Laura Swan: Can it, bloodsucker. Just because Ron D. Moore wants us to frak doesn't mean that I want a distorted version of you to frak me.
Ron D. Moore: So say we all?

“Caroline?” Laura asked. CAROLANNE.
“NO! Big no, right there! She wasn’t my mother.

Renesmee squared: Knowing the terrible genetics this author has, I'd be half-blonde if she was my mom!
Richard Black: Huh. I can't tell the difference.
Renesmee squared: Prick.
Language, Renesmee squared.
Renesmee squared: (cynically) So apparently you weren't there when I said "frakking bastard".

You see after she and my father splitwhich was a good thing and you’ll hear that many agree with meHhe met my mother, Serenity. Seriously? Like the one with the meatball hairdo and the short skirts?

Laura Swan: And I suppose this Serenity looks like me.
Bill Cullen: I still think that you're the mother. We should do a maternity test.
Laura Swan: I think I'd KNOW if I gave birth to her!

She passed away when I was two.

Wow, these Sailor Senshi aren't very long-lived, aye? They probably die when they see a gray hair.
Bill Cullen: What the frak is a Sailor Senshi?

Sadly, the only thing I remember of about her are her eyes…got a bit emotional, I guess?”
Laura smiles. “I understand…I see dead people all the time.
“Really!?” Star asks, not believing her. “Most female in the Kindred would just mock me!” Wow, the Volturi guard is pretty frakking mean-spirited. And it turns out that Renesmee squared has a Mysterious Tragic Past™.

Whatever Laura had been about to say was cut short when they both heard the sound of a cell phone. Laura moves to her sofa and opens her purse, but her cell is off. She turns to Star and tries not to laugh as the young woman holds her own cell with the tips of her fingers as if it where a bug she didn’t like.

Renesmee squared: Ew, it's a bug! No wait, it's my cell phone thingy. What's a cell phone?
Laura Swan: You're really behind on all of this, aren't you?
Renesmee squared: (pouts)

In that The young woman's gazes that let's lets the woman know that she has no idea how to work the thing. Dang, even with my input that was one incoherent sentence. :P

Picking up her won own, she Laura shows her how. “Just flip it open like this…”

Star does as she is showedn.

“Put it next to your ear like this…and say hi.”

Placing the cell phone next to her ear, Star speaks in her own language, “H…hello?”

“What took you!?” Bill’s worried voice startled her. OY. TENSE CHANGING AGAIN.

“I…uh…How the frak am I supposed to know how to use this thing!?”

Everyone except for Renesmee squared: (cracks up) AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Renesmee squared: (glares) I frakking hate you all.
Hey, just be glad your dad didn't text you! That'd be a whole lot harder!

Bill sighs. “Right. Listen, the hunters hit us hard. Killed three of the Luna Lovegood family (nice surname); it's way too dangerous for you to come home. I’m sorry, kid, but you’ll have to remain with Laura for the next week.” Is this some lame plot device to make Laura and Renesmee squared bond and get cozy?

“Say what!?”

My thoughts exactly.

“Saul himself took three trying to sneak into the limo—they were obviously trying to play Grand Theft Auto in real life—Lee reported that the servant caught a group a few miles away from the mansion. HEE HEE LEE'S A VAMPIRE! LOL! You get the point. The hunters are up to something and I don’t want you getting hurt.” Aw, so paternal. LOL.

Laura watches ands Star's fist closes and opens. “I’m not weak! Stop patronizing me!

“I know that. But you haven’t fed since you woke. Your powers and senses at not at their full. May I suggest eating the teacher across from you?” Bill takes a deep breath. “You mustn’t try to come home and I will not risk picking you up.” Wow it sounds like she's at school. Or on a playdate.

“Shouldn’t Laura know?” YES BILL, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS?

Richard Black: In the trash can with his common sense, perhaps.
Good point.

“Pass her the phone.”

Star walks to Laura and hands her the phone.

Hello Konnichiwa?”

“Laura, I need you to take care of Starlight for the next week or so…”

“Excuse me!?” Laura exclaims. “But when did I become—”

Laura Swan:…a frakking wet nurse?
Renesmee squared: Hey! I'm potty-trained!
(snort) Sure, Mary Sue. Sure.

“Shut up, woman, and listen!”

Laura Swan: WELL, EXCUSE ME! (slaps Bill Cullen)
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, PWNED, BILL!
Bill Cullen: That hurt.
NU WAI, BLOODSUCKAH! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

In the background Laura could almost here hear someone chuckling. Saul Tigh gets a kick out of this, doesn't he?

Laura Swan: He's next on my To-Slap list.
Yayz, you're finally kicking some vampy butt!

“My daughter’s life is in danger! OH NOEZ. I need her to remain with you for the next week until things have settled. And you have no right to complain…

Laura Swan: I am henceforth evoking my First Amendment right—the right to FREE SPEECH. (slaps Bill Cullen again) Frakking idiot.
Woo! Go Laura! (waves pompoms)

Yyou are mine…Mmeaning you do not question my orders.”

Laura Swan: I resent that. (slaps Bill Cullen. AGAIN.)
Edward and Bella were never this entertaining. (munches on popcorn)
Laura Swan: Thank you. (does theatrical bow)

With that he hangs up. Gods, so nice.

Laura’s mouth was dropped open at the last words; her hand gripped the cell phone so hard her knuckles turned white. Her eyes held such anger that Starlight even took a few step closer to the door. “THAT FRAKKING SON OF A BITCH (I think Evelyn Adama heard you), HOW DARE HE!?”

Laura Swan: My sentiments EXACTLY. (slaps Bill Cullen for good measure)
Bill Cullen: STOP THAT! (springs up)
Oh, it is SO on. (stands up) Richard, you're now a werewolf because of this crossover (aka stealing one plot and sticking it in another story). Go rip him to pieces. (pulls out matches) Laura and I will burn them.
Richard Black: (fursplodes)
It's everyone versus Bill Cullen!

Star gulped, she hoped her father knew what he’d gotten into with this woman.

Renesmee squared: I'm wondering that right now.
Richard Black and Bill Cullen: (are fighting)
Laura Swan: Go RICHARD!

Cuz even with the pact one thing was for sureLaura Roslin was not going to be easy to tame.

Laura Swan: Rowr, I'm a wild child!
Richard Black and Bill Cullen: (are still fighting)

Ew, a Toasted Bella Carcass!
End Notes:
I know, I'm evil right!? LOL.
So now I'm leaving you all to wonder if Bill Cullen survived Richard Black or not. But I bet we're all betting on Richard. (evil smirk)
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