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Consecutive Sporking--Part Four

Story Or Series Title: Kindred: The Embraced ~Vampire Waltz~ (whut a title. And it's not even original. I heard that Kindred was once a TV show with the same premise.)
Fandom: Battlestar Twilightica
Culprit Author's Name: Princess Arinayed
Full Name (plus titles if any): Starlight Amoret Adama, totally not a Suvian name. *eyeroll* (I am officially calling her Renesmee squared.)
Full Species(es): Diabola gothica gratuita

Hair Color (include adjectives): "long raven hair with red streaks"
Eye Color (include adjectives): "Her left was a deep blue while her right and emerald"
Unusual Markings/Colorations: Vampire fangs, weird eyes
Special Possessions (if any): Bill Adama's sanity. I'm not kidding. He's so out of character.
Annoying Origin: The mind of a Suethor fresh out of Twilight and Kindred: The Embraced (the TV show)
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Bill Adama (That's it, I refuse to call him that. He is officially Bill Cullen.) and Laura Roslin (aka Bella Swan)'s daughter (wait, shouldn't Laura be, like, half dead? Renesmee squared is a frakking half-vampire!), Lee and Zak's sister, Laura's student, etc, etc.
Annoying Special Abilities: Daddy's Little Bitch Girl; the ability to summon a limo out of nowhere; the ability to be uber annoying; the power of UnCanon; the ability to make her dad a perv; OMG SPESHUL VAMP!MAGIC abilities; the ability to use said OMG SPESHUL VAMP!MAGIC abilities in a sci-fi continuum; the ability to speak the OMG SPESHUL VAMP!LANGUAGE; Magical Resurrection Powahs™; Magical Renesmee-like telepahty powers™; etc, etc.
Other Annoying Traits: Making Adama the prince of a democratic government.
Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

I am Lily, and I am in BOLD. I have Bill Cullen, Laura Swan, Renesmee squared, Richard Black, and Ron D. Moore with me today.

Previously on Battlestar Twilightica…

Author Notes: The vampires were created by Suethors. They submitted to their will. They reverse-evolved. They look and feel like Edward Cullen. Some (glares at Bill Cullen) are programmed to think they are Edward Cullen. There are many copies.

Bill Cullen: There are?
I didn't know what else to put there.
Bill Cullen: Oh.
And they have a PLAN.
Bill Cullen: We do?
Just stick to the script, okay?

Sorry it took me so long but I had some computer problems. Ha, even the Cylons resent not being mentioned.

Ron D. Moore: And isn't the whole show based on the fact that the Cylons attacked the Colonies and thus provided the main conflict? Without even a mention of Cylons, should this even be called Battlestar Galactica fanfiction?

The following chapter will be about Laura and Star, there will be some Bill

Bill Cullen: Aw, I get mentioned. Doesn't that warm the cockles of my cold vampire heart.

and a few cat dog fights.

Bill Cullen: Speaking of dog fights…you nearly tore me into pieces, Richard.
Richard Black: You deserved it, leech.
Now boys, don't fight again.
Laura Swan: I'm rooting for Richard, anyways.
Bill Cullen: You cut me deep, my love.
Laura Swan: Give me a frakking BREAK. You are NOT the Bill Adama that I am destined to fall unconditionally and irrevocably in love with!
Don't end a sentence with a preposition, Laura. That's bad grammar. You're making me look bad.

“So let me get this straight,” Laura said as she walked side-by-side with Starlight. In the starlight, too. Last night had seemed but a dream to her, but the moment she’d seen the young woman up and about in her living room. and What’s more, a maid was helping the young woman dress and giving her information about what was going on at home. She must have good hearing if she can hear what they were talking about. Doesn't Renesmee squared communicate telepathically? If she doesn't, then she's talking in a foreign language. How can Laura understand her then? Laura had then came to the conclusion that it had not been a dream.
Renesmee squared: Took you long enough.

She’d was about to just tell the maid to take Star with her and tell Adama to go and frak himself LOL, I'd like to see that. when the young woman had turned in her direction. The maid had been was caught off guard when as her mistress had all but bolted in the human’s direction and wrapped her arms around her waist in a hug. AWWWWW.

Laura Swan: Shut up.
I didn't say anything.
Laura Swan: Yes you did. Shut up.
Gosh, is today one of those days when someone replaces your blood with ice water?
Laura Swan: Lily, this is my airlock face. SHUT UP.
Alright, Madame President. (salutes)

In her part Laura instinctively had embraced her in return. AWW, such a PERFEKT LEETLE MOMMY. She did not understand why this girl brought out such a protective side of herself.

Renesmee squared: Aw, Laura feels very protective of me.
Laura Swan: Sure I do. (eyeroll)

Having shaken out of her shook shock, (Not shook. You can't shake yourself out of your shook.) Laura set out to do what she did every morning—killing bunnies getting ready for the day damn. Once in a while she would catch a bits of conversation between Star and the maid talking. She could not understand them. NO WAY. They were not speaking English. But do the people of the Twelve Colonies even speak English? English wasn't even invented back then! If it really is English, then that's not what the Colonials called it. But the more she heard the more she thought that the flow of their words sounded like a melody. Like a softly whispered song to a child to calm it into an untroubled sleep. Aw, how frakking poetic. It eased Laura’s mind and before she knew it she was all ready, but ready for what? DEATH!

Laura Swan: Someone KILL ME NOW.

The maid had bowed to Starlight and left in a mist from the room in a mist. So they travel by mist? I am never going near a fog machine ever again. It might be a distorted vamp in disguise.

Laura Swan: I wish I had homichlophobia.
So say we all.

She smiled Aafter taking a quick look at the calendar in her kitchen she had to smile. Thankfully Iit was Saturday and she did not need to go to work. The events of last night having left her a bit uneasy about being at home, though, Thus so after breakfast she came up with an idea.

Laura Swan: I'm going to take her to Mount Doom and push her in!

Picking up her purse and car keys, Laura led Star out of the apartment, into the elevator going down to the lobby, out of the building, and into her car. She then proceeded to drive the car off of a cliff, effectively killing them both. The end.

Laura Swan: I should try that.

The day was cloudy and Laura was confused and thus didn't notice the cliff she was driving off of when a small ray of sun fell upon them. Starlight sparkled like…starlight, for lack of better words merely took out a pair of sunglasses, put them on and smiled at her. “I can be in the sunlight… and I sparkle, too! not long, but I can.” With that said Laura had drove them off the cliff towards downtown Caprica City. RUN, RICHARD!

“Since your father happens to be the Prince of the City,

Richard Black: Says WHO?

that makes your brother a Dduke and you a duchess?”

Laura Swan: Aw, look at me. I remember my history lessons from seventh grade.

“Yes,” Star replied while keeping to the shaded part of the sidewalk. Good reason, too. No sparklies.

“And there is a groupsort of like the Quorum of Twelve Volturi —to whom the Prince goes to for advice?”

Bill Cullen: (sarcastically) Aw, I get my own Quorum. How cute.

Star nods, “The Nosferatu are ancient, solitary, and possessed of talents magical and mystical. are ancient and solitary, possessing talents magical and mystical. You don't say the talents posess them; they possess the talents. They prefer the dark and even the underground. They also prefer giant, foreboding castles with lots of underground passageways. Often called "Sewer Rats,", they have mastered skulking and eavesdropping. Wow, you sound like a Wikipedia page, Renesmee squared.

Renesmee squared: …Thanks?

They can blend into shadows,

I need a t-shirt that says: "Thanks to Battlestar Twilightica, I'm scared of mist and shadows."
Laura Swan: I need one, too.

and they are level-headed and practical. Then why are they skulking and eavesdropping? They are the father's fathers and mother’s mothers of our kind.” We have some serious possessive problems here. (looks pointedly at Bill Cullen)

Bill Cullen: Who, me?

Laura halts and looks at Star, “And people say you don’t learn much these days…”

Renesmee squared: I memorized the Wikipedia page.
No wonder.

She notices the way the girls rubs her forehead. “Are you alright?”

Renesmee squared: Nooooo, I just have a big-ass migrane.
From what?
Renesmee squared: Richard needs a bath. His werewolf stink is driving me nuts.
Richard Black: Well, I'm stuck in a room with two vampires! That's twice the vampire stink!

“You think we could find a shaded place?”

No sparklies? (pouts)

Looking around, Laura saw the a small park a block away. I'm assuming there's more small parks. She guides Star to it and finds the biggest tree shade she can. Aafter sitting down, she watches the young woman sigh.

Laura Swan: Gaius F. Baltar, why do I want to watch her sigh? That's just as interesting as watching my fingernails grow!
What does the "F" stand for?
Laura Swan: Frakking.
That's it, I'm stealing that expression. Gaius F. Baltar, Gaius F. Baltar, Gaius F. Baltarrrrrr…

She takes off her sunglasses and blinks for a while. blinkblinkblinkblinkblinkblink! “Sorry, but unlike the rest of the Kindred I am limited to sunlight I can only be in the sun for a limited amount of time. I get headaches after a while.”

“How come…I mean, why are you not able to be in the sunlight for long?” AND WHY THE FRAK ARE YOU NOT SPARKLING? GAIUS F. BALTAR, I AM ANNOYED.

She gave Aa small sigh, “Oh, I used to play in the sun all the time…but then he died…” Wait a sec, the sun died?

Renesmee squared: I'm so clever, aren't I? Son, sun, geddit?
Laura Swan: I am sooooo amused. (rolls eyes)

Her face saddens. “But anyways where were we?” Ah yes. Frakking!

Renesmee squared: That's what she said.
Laura Swan: (exasperated) Oh, for the love of Gaius F. Baltar!
Bill Cullen: (looks hurt)

Roslin gives her a small smile, not wanting to press the matter further on her last question. “You’ve told me about the Prince, and the NosferatuI think that’s what you called them, anyways. But you keep mentioning the word Embrace. Why?”

Renesmee squared: It's another word for hug, of course! Why not? All we need is LOOOOVEEEE!

“Hmmm…Let’s see if I can explain it cuz because it's kind of hard.”

Laura Swan: Tsk, tsk, Renesmee squared. "Cuz" is not a word. It makes you sound immature and stupid.
But she is.
Laura Swan: Good point.
Renesmee squared: I resent that remark. (pouts)
(smugly) I rest my case.

She thinks for a while. “Well, when I was little, a human priestess who is part of the Kindredshe’s never been Embraced because she likes her humanity being human—explained it to mee me like this. The act of transforming a human into a vampire is known as the Embraced. Sooooooo, a vamp hugs a hoomin and POOF! Hoomin ==> instant vamp? That's kinda harsh. The kindred creepy old vampy drains the human's mortal blood to the point of death, and then replaces it with a small infusion of their own Kindred creepy old vampy blood, thus binding the human to the clan of their sire…” Waiiiit a sec. Vamps have blood?

Bill Cullen: That's odd. My nephew's family did it differently—they injected venom into the bloodstream.


“There are a myriad of reasons why the Kindred embrace humans are myriad. Some do so out of spite or vengeance, forcibly embracing the human, and stealing their mortal innocence.

Laura Swan: Innocence? Psh, as if.
You make us hoomins sound like Catholic schoolgirls, Renesmee squared, you know that?

(this is normally forbidden in Kindred society, and is grounds for execution)

Laura Swan: I should HOPE so. Rape!Embracing sounds very…well, rape-like.

Some embrace out of love or desire, even lust. Desire=lust, btw. (coughcough) I think that's why Bill Cullen's gonna vampirize Laura Swan.

Laura Swan: I'm going to get vampirized? NOOOOOO!
This isn't Battlestar Twilightica for nothing. Bella got vamp'd, you might, too.

And others seek reprieve from their loneliness, because misery loves company, mwahahahahaha! wanting to share their long existence with a creature dark and beautiful, like themselves…” how very conceited of the vamp. Star frowns, “I think that's Kkind of selfish on that aspect. You will see many females are like that.” bitchessssssss.

She continues, “The Embrace also requires permission from the Prince.

Laura Swan: So does that mean that in order to "Embrace" me, Bill will have to ask himself for permission?

When permission is not granted yet the Embrace is fulfilled, the Prince has the right to destroy both the errant Kindred and the erstwhile former human.” Former former human? Suuuuuure.

Laura Swan: So if he doesn't give himself permission will he have to kill himself and me? That's appealing.

To say that Laura was shocked would have been an understatement. The woman’s face was a mix of horror, fear, and curiosity. 

Richard Black: Just add water and stir!

Her emerald eyes had grown in size until they were quite literally the size of dinner plates, her mind trying to accept all the new information. ERROR. ERROR. NEW DATA COMPLETE BULLSHIT. DELETE: Y/Y? Yet her raising thought’s thoughts (arg, not more possessive issues!) were cut by the whispering voice of the young woman.

Renesmee squared: It was a dark and stormy night once upon a time, in a land far, far away…

In her finger sat a butterfly, ticked off at being entangled between her muscles and bones and thus causing Renesmee squared a lot of pain, its wings fluttering. "But I don’t wish father to Embrace you, Laura Roslin.


You seem too kind; our world is not for someone like you. I know, from what I have felt that you are a strong woman,: independent, and you love loving children, and books…” She opens her hand as the butterfly lands on her palm. “Our world has its beauty, its appeal to most who wish to join…but they do not know the darkness of the Kindred.

Bill Cullen: I've heard that my nephew had trouble trying to convince his lover not to join his world.
When some people portray the vamp world in an appealing light, that's what you get.

It can consume a person, leaving them soulless if he/she is not able to cope…” like a Dementor's Kiss, huh? How harsh. Hher hand closes hard into a fist, killing the insect. Then she opens it and shows it the dead butterfly to Laura, who is staring at her with fear.

Laura Swan: Oh my gods. A little girl just killed a butterfly. I'm sooooo scared.

“I can take the life of a human without much of a care.

Laura Swan: Okay, now I'm scared.

I can do it as fast as I did with this poor thing…but…” she blows air into the dead insect. Slowly but surely Laura can see it begin to flutter its wings.

Renesmee squared: Look who got a better power than the real Renesmee! Aha! (dances)
If I were you, I'd be more horrified over the fact that your enemies just got another charge against you.

“Unlike most of my kind… I believe that life is precious.” My precioussssssssssss…

The blue-winged butterfly rises from her hand and floats above them for a while before heading away.  Laura glances at the young woman, who now is lying on the soft grass, eyes closed. She wants to reach out and place a hand upon her arm but she is not too sure that it’s the right thing to do. Thus, Laura watches he clouds pass by. He clouds? Where's the she clouds?

Laura Swan: Maybe the clouds just looked phallic.
Har har.

From among the shadows of the buildings, a figure silently watches the red haired woman sitting besides the vampire girl. Its eyes never leaving left the girl as she spoke to the woman. Its masters had been rightshe was awake, and their time had come. Soon the Kindred would no longer exist. Dun Dun Dunnnnnnnnn.

True Blood Cankickthisfic'sassanydayoftheweek!

End Notes:
So there you have it...a bit more info on the Kindred.

Laura Swan: Gaius F. Baltar, I didn't want more info.
Bill Cullen: Stop with the "Gaius F. Baltar"-ing! It's driving me nuts!
Laura Swan: As it should, Mr. Cullen. (sniffs) Sweet asses of Kobol, I need a drink.
One "Nipple of Venus", coming riiiiiiight up! Tom Zarek Laurent, get your vampy ass in here and whip up some drinks for us!

Consecutive Sporking--Part Five

(taps microphone) Hello, hello? Ah, yay, it's working!
Ahem. I am Lily, and today I am sporking in bold with Bill Cullen, Laura Swan, Renesmee squared, Richard Black, and Ron D. Moore.
Laura Swan: Actually, I think Ron D. Moore escaped last chapter after his rant on the first page.
Really? That's too bad. Did you enjoy the drinks, Laura?
Laura Swan: Of course I did! You don't know how much I needed it.

Thinsgs get seriously bad...sorry it's kind of short but I'll make up for it on the niext chapter.

Richard Black: (sarcastic) Excitement reigns. Whoo hoo. We're going to have more of this, only longer.
Is it Friday yet?

“That will be 20 cubits,” the cashier said. What will be?

Renesmee squared: Ice-cream and books.

Laura opens her purse and looks for her wallet but stops when she hears the cashier and turns to Star. “Don’t worry ma’am. Your daughter paid for it before I just forgot until now.” Wow, how CONVENIENT.

Renesmee squared: I'm just rich like that.

“My daughter?” she asks, a bit confused.

Laura Swan: I have no frakking daughter.
Bill Cullen: Denial is a river in Egypt.
How the frak do you know about the Nile?

He points to the book section of the store.

Turning in that direction Laura sees Star in the children’s section.

“She came over while you chose your ice scream. Handed me her credit card and said to charge it to it.”

Laura stares at him, “She spoke!?”

“That’s the weird thing…” the young man frowns. “Thing is as she gave me her card…her eyes…I couldn’t look away from them. Then I just hear her speak never saw her mouth move… I don’t know…I might be working too hard.” He hands Laura the credit card.

Laura takes it and with her vanilla and chocolate cone walks towards the young woman. Once she is close enough she is able to read the title of the book she holds in her hands. “A City With No People.”

Star looks over her shoulder then back to the book. She is placing back on the stand when it is taken from her grasp. Laura smiles at her, “Tell you what, since you’ll be staying with me I’ll buy this for you!”

Star reaches out and touches her fingertips to Laura’s hand. She was about to repeat but Star shook her head. “I under stood most of it…”

Laura’s eyebrow rose.

“Many humans speaking…sound and lips moving…kind of helped.”

Smiling Laura goes back to the cashier and buys the book. Star is right behind her and as the purchase is made she hands the book to her. Star closes her eyes and smiles to herself before looking at Laura and nodding her thanks. Both leave the Ice scream and Bookshop.  As always Star kept close to Laura and listened to her explain statues and some stores, but she could not keep her eyes off of the book cover. It was not something to decorated. It was simple, the title and the silhouette of a city.

The sudden loud crack of thunder made her jump a little. Laura pouted, “Seems likes rain’s coming. And it was such a nice day, let’s head home.”

Running as a few drops begin to fall Star stops short of reaching the car. Something in the air was not right. She lets her senses take over. There was energy of darkness moving close by. The air was charged with a small hint of miasma. Slowly making her way towards Laura, Star listens to the sounds around the car. Her eyes snap opens when she hears a click. Immediately she tackles Laura to the ground as a bullet barely misses them both.

On the ground Star locks her eyes with Laura’s, “You have to get in that car and drive out of here. I will stall them as long as I can!”

“What’s going on!?” Laura exclaimed and the door of her car was forced open and Star shoved her into the driver’s side.

The young woman did not look at her, “Hunters! Now start the car and get away!”

Another bullet zooshed by Star’s head. Laura frantically placed the key in the ignition. Star slammed the door shut and gave Laura a small smile throwing the book inside. “It was nice having met you.”

The words had barely left her lips when a man appeared above her and missed her face by inches. Star hand doubled flipped back. She looked at Laura one last time before jumping into the air followed by the hunter.

Laura bolts out of the car calling Star's name, but it is too late, the raging rain and the darkness of the sky have made it impossible to see a thing. Her breathing is labored and as she gaze drop to the ground her eyes grow wide. There were a few drops of blood.

She thinks back to when the attack begun. Star had shoved her inside, told her to drive, she'd heard a shot. Star flinched... "no..." Laura whispered getting into her car. "I have to find her..."
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