deleterius: Clipart spork, metallic. (Agent Dawn McKenna)
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Caitlinn Black XXxxXXxxXX! ... erm, Greenleaf...

Story Or Series Title: Goodbye My Loverx ( http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2713088/1/ )
Fandom: Lord of the Lego-luv
Culprit Author's Name: xXxCaitlinnBlackxXx ( http://www.fanfiction.net/u/907773/ )
Full Name (plus titles if any): Caitlinn Greenleaf
Full Species(es): Human?
Hair Color (include adjectives): Auburn, long, down-to waist
Eye Color (include adjectives): Unmentioned?
Unusual Markings/Colorations: ehh, none mentioned.
Special Possessions (if any): Legolas' nards. Not that they're that speshul anymore...
Annoying Origin: Hell
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: Married to Legolas? Knows someone named 'Gandelf...'
Annoying Special Abilities: Can produce a Single Tear.
Other Annoying Traits: Being alive... but that won't last long...

[DawnFire's note: Arwen's lines have been changed from white to light blue for ease of reading. Also, warning: mild language and name-calling]


Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

Goodbye My Lover

Hey..This is my first Lord of the Rings fanfic hope you like it, and please Jdon’t forget to review…. Thanks Eowyn: for sporking this atrocity. It’s been making me ill for some time.

Legolas: What does this J mean? Is it some form of Black Speech? Is this what Caitlinn Black speaks?

GandAlf: No, my splendid companion, I believe it to be merely a form of Suethor Speek.

Elrond: It sickens me.

Erestor: Have you a bucket?

Aragorn: Here.

Arwen: Thank you.

Eowyn: I’ve nothing to say at the moment.

Oh yeah, and I don’t own any of the character apart form Caitlinn, and you’ll find out all about her as the story goes on but if you wanna ask any questions then go ahead ;)

Legolas: Does she die?

GandAlf: Can I watch?

Eowyn: Can we watch the suethor’s other characters die?

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: You have my bow.

Gimli: You have my axe.

Arwen: You have Hadhafang, my knife, my axe, my numchucks, my poisons and my various other homicidal tools.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

Legolas: I was looking, my muppit, for your spleen.

You changed my life and all my goals.

GandAlf: She wanted to be an ice skater, as I recall…

And love is blind and that I knew when,

Legolas: I decided to convince her to become a zamboni driver.

My heart was blinded by you.

GandAlf: When he accidentally knocked that heart against your spleen as he was extricating it.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Legolas: Heads will roll… muahahaha…

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

GandAlf: Do I recall you telling me she was horrid in the sack?

Legolas: She grunts like an Orc. A dying Orc.

I know you well, I know your smell.

Legolas: She smells of filth and much glitter.

I've been addicted to you.

GandAlf: Can you overdose on Elf?

Legolas: ‘tis likely. Shall we experiment?

Legolas rushed over to Caitlinn and fell to his knees as he grasped her cold hands.

Eowyn: Sign Number One: she seems to be dying. And dear to Legolas. Has she got your nards?

Aragorn: More girls have had Legolas’ nards than have had mine. They’re not even speshul any more.

Legolas: You offend me, dirty mortal. Incidentally, this girl was always cold. Always.

GandAlf: So that’s why she’s bad in the sack, eh?

Legolas: That and the grunting.

He looked into her eyes as they began to darken, Aragorn quickly looked over to see Legolas and leapt forward to kill an orc who was making his way towards the couple.

Legolas: MY kill! MINE!

Eowyn: Sign Number Two: They’re a couple. This could possibly be put into Sign Number One, but we carry on.

Caitlinn gasped for breath and slowly moved her hand down towards her stomach as a single tear fell down her cheek, Eowyn: Oooh! Sign Number Three: the ability to produce a Single Tear. Legolas followed her gaze and felt his stomach lurch as he gazed upon the orc’s knife that was wrenched deeply in the stomach of his pregnant wife. Eowyn: Sign Number Four: she’s married to Legolas. Sign Number Five: she’s preggers”*snickers* Snape…Remmie…Bwahahahahaha!

Enelya: **appears** BELLA! OOC!

Bella: **apparatus in** It’s a sporking…deal w/it…ah! Chatspeek!

Enelya: I think it’s time to go. **disappears**

Bella: **dies**

Eowyn: As I was saying, she’s… “preggers” and… attacked by Orcs.

Elrond: Oddly familiar plotline…

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

Arwen: I’ve seen you when you look like refuse.

Legolas: Which, not surprisingly, was most of the time.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

Elrond: Didn’t you introduce that ‘no stalkers’ policy a while ago, Erestor?

Erestor: I did, but there is no logic. It died with Gil-galad.

I'd be the father of your child.

Legolas: Please, no.

Aragorn and Gimli quickly rushed over to the couple after they killed the last few orc’s Eowyn: candy cane troopers they had been battling and both fell to their knees. “Caitlinn, are you with us?” asked Aragorn urgently as he grasped her hand. Arwen: You two-timing little—! Aragorn: No, dear! It wasn’t me! I swear! Caitlinn looked deep into his eyes, “Yes.” She said quietly. Arwen: Man-stealing little tramp…! Eowyn: I believe that’s my title. Sign Number Six: she can look deep into his eyes. “We need to get her to Rivendale immediately.” Eowyn: It seems like I was just saying something… anyway, can someone tell me where Rivendale is?

Elrond: Erestor!

Erestor: Lord Elrond?

Elrond: Check all records for a place called ‘Rivendale.’ NOW!

Erestor: **scuttles off** **scuttles back** There are no records of a place called ‘Rivendale’ in Middle-earth. The closest place I could find was a ‘Riverdale,’ inhabited by teenaged mortals in a place called ‘Cal-ee-forn-ee-ah.’

Elrond: Thank you, Erestor.

Said Legolas quickly suddenly coming out of his trance. Legolas: What? “Laddy, were Gimli: you by any chance two days ride away from Rivendale, Gimli: hoping she’d never make it?” Said Gimli gently touching Legolas’s shoulder gently.

Elrond: Redundant much?

Legolas: Get it off. Now.

Gimli: It wasn’t my fault!

Legolas: You sicken me, deceitful one!

“Yes she will, I’ll take her.” He said Arwen: to the rotten scumbag, jumping up and gently picking Caitlinn up and putting her on his horse as she fell unconscious. Eowyn: Sign Number Seven: falling unconscious and being put on a horse and very gently and we all know what happens when girls ride horses. They go places. “We will inform Gandelf and meet you there in three days.” Said Aragorn quickly mounting on his stallion at once. Arwen: Where did you get that? You stole from my daddy again, didn’t you? “Journey safe my friends.” He smiled sadly before turning and riding South with Gimli.

Aragorn: Arwen, my dear, I am in no way associated with this imposter bearing my name.

Gimli: Where is this ‘South’?

Aragorn: On the opposite side of logic…

Legolas mounted his beautiful white horse GandAlf: You STOLE Shadowfax? and quickly Arwen: stole a set of North Arwen: Pole made spoons, then fled towards Rivendale quietly as possible so not to wake his injured wife. Eowyn: Sign Number Eight: she’s injured and the White Knight is being gentle and quiet. Incidentally, what would being quiet have to do with it? Where’s that bucket? He looked down at her pale face and gently moved some of her long auburn hair out of her face to expose one of her high cheekbones. Eowyn: Too many Signs! Pale face, long auburn hair and… high cheekbones? Little wonder she looks so awful. She’s obviously quite emaciated.

And as he rode towards Rivendale he began to cry at the thought of losing his beautiful wife and unborn child. Eowyn: BUCKET!

Legolas: I am not a crying git!

I'd spend a lifetime with you. Elrond: Every moment a painful stab to that which is called humanity.

Aragorn: What do you know about humanity? Oh wait, logic does not apply here.

I know your fears and you know mine. Legolas: I am the elf without fear! </demented song lyrics>

Eowyn: Some more lyrics…

Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt Erestor: No James Blunt in records, Elrond.

Elrond: Pity.

Erestor: …?

Elrond: I had a dastardly assassination plan…

It was four days later Caitlinn began to stir. Eowyn: Stirring. Sign Number Ten.

Erestor: I do believe in commas, I do, I do!

She slowly began to open her eyes and was greeted by the most amazing bright light she had ever seen. GandAlf: Enter the Balrog… I’m dead. She thought to herself. I’ve left Legolas all alone.

Legolas: THANK ERU!

Elrond: Give me back the CAPS LOCK OF DOOM.

She thought as tears began to fill her eyes Erestor: Much like the communal bucket into which we have been retching. Suddenly the light became less bright and things in the room she was in came into focus. She looked up to see Gandelf the White watching her intently. GandAlf: I would like to point out that I know not who this ‘Gandelf the White’ person is, nor am I affiliated with him (her?) in any way. She smiled and sat up and once wincing as intense pain hit her. “He’s never left your side.” Gandelf said quietly. Without even looking she knew whom Gandelf meant. Caitlinn turned to see her husband sat in a chair next to her bed sleeping lightly. Legolas: What? How do I sat? Never mind… She smiled to herself and turned to Gandelf, “I know you must have many questions to ask but they will have to wait a few moments Im GandAlf: Im, the affectionate nickname of the long-lost cousin of my very distant and many times removed relative, the Wizard of Id. afraid.”

Enelya: **appears** snipped. Something about them looking deep into each others eyes. **disappears** She stared back intently into his shocking blue ones Legolas: They’re GREY! You should be shocked. before dropping her face to his chest as tears filled her eyes. Legolas: I am not a crying git! I am not a crying git! He softly pushed her so that she was lying down on the bed. Enelya: BLEACH! He laid next to her gently stroking her auburn hair, “Gimli: and I hacked the Sue to pieces as they both wept. Gimli: Legolas in ecstasy at being freed, and the Sue… well, she just wept.

Eowyn: Chapter ends with annoying song lyrics.

Arwen: I shot them.

Eowyn: They’ve been there for a week. In Rivendale. And—

Merry: WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO US?

Elrond: CAPS LOCK OF DOOM authorized.

Most curious of all were two hobbits. “No, Merry. Gandelf told us not to go in.” whispered Pippin trying to reframe Pippin: Apart from the fact that neither of us would touch this… this atrocity, Merry is my COUSIN. Would you like me to draw a family tree? his friend from entering lady Caitlinn’s private quarters. “Well I just want to introduce myself.” Merry: No! No! Help me! He smiled, gently pushing opening her door and quickly stopping as he saw the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Arwen: Time to die. She was wearing a very long almost see-through white cotton gown. Bella: Dish here iz Bella, Enelya just expired in a fit of coughs…her mentality is currently that of a five year old…cabbage. Her long auburn hair was down to the small of her back and she was smoking on a pipe.

Legolas: WTF?. Sue looks depressed, steals my name as her surname, is wearing a—

Arwen: “Long green elf’s gown that fit perfectly at her thin waist and hugged her curves.” She looks like a whore. May I shoot her?

Legolas: Please.

She was gently pulling a comb through her long hair as Legolas entered. He came behind her and gently wrapped his arms around her middle gazing at her beauty in the mirror clearly mesmerised. Legolas: **caghkkaughhackk**

Gimli: **Heimlich**

“You look amazing my love.” He whispered gently kissing her neck. Merry and Pippin: BLEACH!

Eowyn: snipped

Legolas entered the great hall with his hand in Caitlinn’s and smiled at her as he lead her over to the table where Gandelf, Aragorn, Gimli, Pippin, Merry, Sam and Frodo where seated at. Dumbledore: **poof in** Out of my great hall. Now.

Hermione: Did you just end your sentence with a preposition? They all looked up from their feast and Aragorn quickly got to his feet, he quickly pulled Legolas into a tight hug and Aragorn: quickly snapped her neck. grinned at him before scooping up Caitlinn in his arms, Aragorn: before launching into a run-on quote. An evil one. Eowyn ate it because it vexed her. Music began to play and Legolas turned to his wife who was currently in deep conversation with Sam. He told a joke and she began to giggle, he smiled to himself, noticing he was being watched. He turned to see Aragorn staring at him, “Yes?” he asked with a smirk. Legolas: I smirk? Orlando Bloom smirks. Lucius Malfoy smirks. Haldir smirks. I do not smirk. I smile. Placidly. Thank you. “I am just glad to see you so happy my friend.” He Aragorn smiled, before turning to the great doors and sighing. Legolas also turned and grinned when he saw Aragorn quickly jump out of his seat and rush over to meet the beautiful Arawin who had just entered. Caitlinn looked up to see Aragorn walk over arm in arm with lady Arawin, Caitlinn admired her beauty, as she took to the dance floor with Aragorn. Arwen: Double-timing—!

Aragorn: Arwen, love, I was forced! It wasn’t me!

As soon as Aragorn and lady Arawin reached the floor many other couples also joined and began to dance. Arwen: WHAT?! Tramp! Tramp! **pulls knife** “Would you care to dance my love?” asked Legolas gently touching Caitlinn’s arm. “I’d love to.” She smiled. Legolas lead her out to the dance floor and held her close and they moved to the music.

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been Merry: No! Please! No more!

Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen, Pippin: Make it stop!

This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever— Legolas: NO MORE.

Caitlinn buried her face deep into Legolas’s chest and sighed as she took in his masculine smell. Legolas: I hope I don’t smell girly…! “Are you tired my love?” he asked quietly resting his head upon hers. “A little.” She said quietly. “Would you like to go to bed?” he said softly as he gently stroked some on her hair behind her ear. “Yes.” She smiled. After excusing themselves, Legolas and Caitlinn made their way back to their private quarters. Caitlinn dressed into a small white silk nightgown that showed off her curves very nicely and stood at the balcony observing the amazing view of Rivendale whilst smoking on a pipe. Legolas Legolas: stabbed her for smoking! Dirty thing! walked over to his wife Legolas: awww… and gently Gimli: stabbed her in the back, successfully ending the fic.

Legolas: THANK YOU!

Arwen: Is it over?

Aragorn: Yes, thank the Powers that saved us…

Enelya: That’s be me. And Bella.

Bella: Yeah, and me.

Merry: Thank you!

Pippin: I’m hungry.

Merry: You ruined it.

I am in pain. Sorry it took me so long!
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