deleterius: Clipart spork, metallic. (Agent Dawn McKenna)
[personal profile] deleterius

Story Or Series Title: The Beginning of a New Age
Fandom: Lord of the… oh, never mind… I’M SO SAD MAH HUBBY IS GONE! Oh, look—Peredhills! yaY!
Culprit Author's Name: Mirlanthiriel
Full Name (plus titles if any): Miriel
Full Species(es): human? Elf? thing...
Hair Color (include adjectives): n/a
Eye Color (include adjectives): n/a
Unusual Markings/Colorations: n/a
Special Possessions (if any): A shiny diamond from Varda. Kill me now.
Annoying Origin: Hurricane Katrina
Annoying Connections To Canon Characters: She meets all the Elfses. Glorfindel, Cirdan, Galadriel, Celeborn, Thranduil, Legolas, Elladan, Elrohir, Elrond, Haldir... gets adopted by Galadriel and Celeborn...
Annoying Special Abilities: Makes wine, farms, makes fishing nets, fixes fountains, lives alone for years upon years, keeps chickens, apparently rebuilds Grey Havens... ow.
Other Annoying Traits: Got smoozed up into Arda after Hurricane Katrina... doesn't appear to have any name but Miriel...

[DawnFire's note: Some non-bolded sporker's commentary has been bolded for readability. Also, for warnings: some language, mentions of heart-eating, and, um...the Sue eats worms at one point. Ick.]

Please include a small sample of the worst of this story:

I'm sorry, I couldn't do it all... this nearly killed me as it was...

The failed world of man sunk into the sea and one lost soul floated away from the darkness. Oddly enough, it went into more darkness, which makes this sentence kind of redundant, no? From the western horizon the waves rocked her towards a sleeping land, a land lost from the pages of time and faded to the darkness of forgotten dreams. The waves, like gentle hands eased the lady forwards to the forgotten shore, there she would find new life.

Míriel thought she heard the sound of a singing bird. She could not open her eyes. She had tried but the sun was so bright it seemed to burn her like scorching flames to an oiled skin. Umm… She began to turn on the door-core board that she had been floating upon for many days, **points and laughs** You sound like an idiot! Hah! but to her surprise she found no board but the soft texture of moist soil, mud and sweet smelling moss. She could taste salt upon her dry lips Did you know that when your lips are dry you really can’t taste anything? Cool trivium right there… and the lower half of her body seemed to be submerged in cold wavering water. It’s… wavering? How does… I mean… Never mind. I don’t think I want to know. She rolled completely over and forced herself to open her eyes. It was land. NO WAY! LAND! As opposed to… not land?

Not far in front of her a tiny brown bird hopped along the soft soil pecking at tiny insects. She lay still, watching the bird in silence while the bird hoped to all he held dear that she wouldn’t movt. There was a lovely maggot in her ear. She was alive. OMG nowai! She was on land. OMG nowai! Then just as these thoughts hit her the memory death fell upon her. Umm…? Andrew was gone. Her life was gone and her heart fell heavy as Legolas pulled out a spork and began eating it as it fell heavy to the land, for, as we all know, the only way to rid your world of an aberration such as this is to eat its heart. Raw. With a spork. Okay, maybe not raw… but with a spork. She lay there at the edge of the sea. She could feel the gentle waves beginning to draw her back out into the water. Out into? Umm… okay… She lay between life and death. She had but to pull herself a bit further to land and she would live or she had the choice to let the waives take her, Wait. I read ‘waivers‘. So she’s… giving up her rights now? THANK YOU! a quiet watery death, there she would meet her husband. Yes, sounds lovely. Please do!

DAMMIT! She lives. She thinks she’s gonna die, but no. She, um… pulls away from death and reached ‘forward towards the moist sweet smelling earth. She [chooses] life.’ Damn. Suebitch pulls herself onto land, looks for water. Sees ruins of something. With a fountain of water. It is pink and sparkly, and she drinks from it, gaining many mystical powerzz we have yet to realize,,, Then she falls asleep. Then we have:

She feasted on herbs and grass. As she pulled up the dirt she saw tinny worms. Oooh, robot worms of Teh Futurre in Middle-earth! Delicious… She watched them for a moment wriggling in the moist soil. Her stomach turned but her hunger was great. She pulled a few up and closed her eyes before devouring them. The texture was repulsive and she wanted to spit them out, however her hunger was stronger and she dug for another. Okay, now you just sickin’ me out!

Each day she continued to improve, she found a small river with cool clear water which she was able to get true fresh water and bath. Mkay… right… She removed the dirty nightgown she had been wearing. Teh Pr0n! Teh Pr0n!It was caked in mud and blood. She held it in her hands for a long while looking down at the red brown stain. Tears fell; her heart was empty. How does one cry when one has an empty heart? I wouldn’t know; go ask Legolas. He is the official heart-eater. I’m sure they all cry… She let go of the nightgown in the water and watched it float down the stream. It was gone forever. So she’s… nekked in the stream… ew.
She sat in cool river water and cried for hours until her hands were wrinkled. WTFness? She had nothing else to wear, nothing to dry herself with, but she did not care. The air was warm and there was no one there. She was alone. I think we’ve established that—hey look! Fishies!

She had seen small fish floating down the river stream she decided this would be the answer to her still aching hunger. She took many long ivy vines and began to weave them together, because everyone in Hurricane Katrina can weave vines… **snork** creating a small net that she could place across the current catching the larger of the fish for food. This would at least give her some more strength. Um, how?

She had been there for seven sunsets now and this was her first true meal, the first warm dinner. She gutted and cleaned the fish with a broken piece of shell and then roasted it upon a stick and had more herbs for filler. Where did she get fire? And learn to bake a gourmet meal? SurvivorMan?

Blah blah about something I didn’t care about her husband wubbing evewyting about her.

It seemed to her that years passed by. She was alone but something inside of her kept her going. She felt somehow if she waited just one day more… She was not for sure what she waited for, but she did not let go. She learned to make arrows and created a small bow for herself. She practiced almost every day so she could hunt for small game. She also built a small cage where she kept some wild chickens and over the years she soon had a steady supply of eggs and poultry. She managed to trap a few goats and sheep from the nearby hills. What.The.FUCKETH? NANETH!!!

Three years passed and she had established a comfortable, though somewhat rugged living for herself. She learned to spin wool and weave warm garments as well as blankets and rugs. MOMMY! MOMMY! SAVE US from the BEAST!

She weeded the central garden of the main house and unclogged the large fountain at its center. Cool, clear water began to flow once more. She watched as the fountain over flowed over the pool down into what at one time had been a garden stream, once more the beautiful sound of falling water filled the air. **STAB** Oh, my god, I think I’ve killed her.

Míriel grew quite lonely. Nowai! However one night she had a dream that gave her hope. She was sitting in the garden by the fountain and the stars were shining bright above. In the western sky she saw a bright star that seemed to twinkle before its light extinguished.

I thought about snipping this, but it was too good.

It was then from behind her she hears a soft sweet voice of a lady. First guess: Gladriel. I was wrong. Unfortunately. It would’ve hurt less… “Have no fear Míriel for I come to set your heart at ease.”

Míriel quickly turned her head and there walking slowly along the garden path came a lady dressed in a gown that shimmered like moonlight. Her face was radiant and her eyes seemed kind and loving. **gags**

“I am Varda and I have come to bring you a gift.” **leaves** The lady was now just across the fountain from her. She opened her hands and within it lay a small shining stone.

Míriel was too frightened to move. You better be…

The lady rounded the fountain and seated herself next to her. “Be at peace child and know you will not always be alone.” She held up stone, a beautiful diamond that sparkled in the moonlight. It was set in a silver setting and strung on a delicate silver chain. WTF? “I give you this star as a reminder of hope.” She held it out to the young lady before her. Umm… Who-are-you-and-what-have-you-done-with-Elbereth?

Míriel was still silent and lowered her head as though prompted to by a soft breeze upon her neck. She felt as the lady placed the necklace over her hair. She looked back up to the beautiful lady who’s eyes sparkled in the moonlight, her hair was a veil of black and she was crowned in a veil of glittering diamonds. Stab me with a spork…

“Soon there will come from the western sea great ships of glowing white. Be not afraid for they are your people.” NO! Oh, God, please no! She touched Míriel on the cheek, which promptly turned to dust. “You will not be alone forever, but you must have hope.” She touched the star-like diamond upon Míriel’s neck, “When you feel lost or lonely look upon this gift to remind yourself that they will come. The world has been reborn and you have come home. They will also be called home from the west.” **stabbityfieryburnitydeath** She looked around the ruins. “This is but a shadow of the past. Gag me. One day music and laughter will fill the air once more. When you get SHOT! Hah!” The lady stood and looked to the west and then back to Míriel, “Do not loose the rope around your neck hope child. They will come and you will greet them.”

In the morning Míriel woke, and wondering whether it was a dream or if the lady had been there. She reached up to her neck and felt the necklace hanging delicately down her chest and just above her breast laid the sparkling diamond. Umm… **awkward moment** It had not been a dream. Yes, it had. She was delusional from eating worms.

Over the next few months she looked each morning out into the bay that lead out into the sea, looking for the white ships the lady had told her would come. The months passed into years but each day she did not fail to watch. She had to be there when they came, she would not loose the rope around her neck hope.

How many years passed by she did not know. In this time she learned to make fine thin fabrics from the wool, no longer were her works so ridged and bumpy. Oh, GAWD! She wove fabric for clothing, blankets and rugs. She learned to gather berries for **dies** and also for wine. FINALLY! Alcohol! Her days were fruitful and busy, yet she was still lonely.

One afternoon she looked down at her arms and her hands. They were soft, white and youthful. Here it comes… She knew she was older, yet the signs had not seemed to affect her. Perhaps the sea air? She thought to herself. She set down the tapestry tapestry? Oy vey… she had been working on and went over to the pond where she had put a few lovely colored fish. **WTF stare** She pulled her hair back to look at her face, still youthful and bright. She knew she had been there alone for many long years, at least ten maybe more. Time does not matter as much when you have nowhere to go and there is no one to share it with. She thought it strange as she touched her face. Her skin felt almost younger than it had… She thought of Andrew. Tears began to fall, dropping one by one into the fountain. She continued to touch her face, closing her eyes as if the imagination e of him touching her skin hadn’t faded into wangsty memory. So many years had passed yet she the heartache had not.

SNIP! SNIP! SNIP! MUMMY! She sees her shiny making rainbows and regains hope. **snort** Then sees shinies on water. **double snort**

The hours passed by and the glowing came closer, in the distance more shining lights appeared from the darkness. The ships, the ships are coming, The Eagles are coming! The Eagles are coming! Sorry… **sniffle** nostalgic moment… she said to herself. She stood there at the very edge of the stone balcony looking into the bay as they drew nearer. She could see their sails blowing full in the night, lit by lanterns that hung along the floor. She hurried down to the edges of the sea and stood with her feet in the water watching as they sailed closer. Great ships, beautiful and delecate **??** with great swan-like necks. Never had she seen anything so beautiful. Her heart quickened as she saw shapes moving about upon the decks, they were still so very far away that she could not make them out. She turned to the shore once more and gathered wood for a fire, a warm fire to welcome those who came from the west. As opposed to a cold fire?

Snip! The ships cometh!


Círdan, Celeborn, Glorfindel and Thranduil were all seated in the first boat to leave the ship. As they rowed closer to the coast they saw something that stilled their breath. Fire and moonlight danced upon the skin of a lady, her golden hair seemed to glow as the fire behind her rose. She was upon her breast shown a brilliant star. She was dressed in a dark gown, surrounded by the glowing fire. The rowers behind them stopped rowing for a moment as they watched the lady who stood upon the shores. She moved forward into the water until the hem of her dress moved with the waves. They continued forward.

“Welcome people from the west. OR ELSE!!!!11 I am Míriel, I have been waiting many years for you to come.” The lady spoke in a strange form of westron, the language of men. Oh, no, you di’n’t. **go splodey**

Círdan stood in the boat and exited, his beautiful robes falling into the water. This could be interpreted as erotic… **snicker** **snork** **HAH!**“You knew we were coming? How are you here?” Very carefully.

Le Snip! She invites them onshore.

One of the rowers narrowed his eyes and whispered to his companion. “I do not trust her, she could be a witch.” Run away! Run away! I’m typing in elvish! Must be some new Sue language in which you must have italicized text…!

I agree.” Lord Celeborn watched as the lady continued to walk towards the fire. “Let us follow, we will not go back.”

Lord Círdan approached the fire and bowed to their hostess. “I am Lord Círdan, shipwright of Alqualondë in Aman.” As opposed to… not in Aman?He turned to his companions. “This is Lord Celeborn of Lórien, King Thranduil, and Lord Glorfindel of Tirion.” Each lord bowed as Círdan introduced them.

“My heart is glad to see you. I have been alone here far to long.” Tears were forming in her eyes. She longed to reach out to them.
Lord Celeborn sensed this. He could see the aching in her fingertips and the sadness mixed with joy in her eyes. He moved forward with out speaking and opened his arms to her as a father might do his small child. She did not hesitate but took the embrace willingly, collapsing into the contact. It had been so long. She cried.

And then she died. Hah!

Anyone want the other chapters? This wasn’t even half. Of one. **weeps** It’s awful… **whimper**

Stick me with a spork...

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